Could you correct the writing?
It is worth mentioning that, based on the letter provided on page …, I have not done my military service yet, and my departure from Iran is conditional. I have paid money to be able to take passport and go to Canada for my studies and after my education I have to come back and serve at the military service and then I would be able to take back my money.
Therefore, it is pretty clear coming back to Iran, when everything is prepared, is a great opportunity I would never lose.
Respectful officer, if I am lucky to get the permission to go to Canada to continue my studies, which I believe is the first step to approach my goal, I will treasure this opportunity, make every effort to improve myself. Thank you.

Question

Could you correct the writing?
It is worth mentioning that, based on the letter provided on page …, I have not done my military service yet, and my departure from Iran is conditional. I have paid money to be able to take passport and go to Canada for my studies and after my education I have to come back and serve at the military service and then I would be able to take back my money.
Therefore, it is pretty clear coming back to Iran, when everything is prepared, is a great opportunity I would never lose.
Respectful officer, if I am lucky to get the permission to go to Canada to continue my studies, which I believe is the first step to approach my goal, I will treasure this opportunity, make every effort to improve myself.  Thank you.

Answer

...I have paid money to be able to take my passport...for my studies, but after my education...
"Therefore, it is pretty clear coming back to Iran, when everything is prepared, is a great opportunity I would never lose." - Logically, this sentence does make sense, but it is a little confusing. You should probably tweak it a little to make it a bit more coherent, such as follows: "Therefore, it is plain that returning to Iran, after everything is prepared, is a great opportunity I would never miss." (My switch of "pretty clear coming back" to "plain that returning" is really just a personal preference; however, lose definitely should be changed to miss.)

Answers · 1

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