Does this paragraph have problems? I want to use them in IELTS writing. Thank you!
In terms of the advantages of playing video games-

Playing educational games have some benefits for people such as improving problem-solving skills and arouse people's interest in learning.To begin with, by playing games, it can help them to train independent thinking. For example, people often face puzzles and problems which become tougher during games, so they can learn how to figure out the logic behind these problems and then deal with them.On top of that, some instructive applications can boost students' academic performance. For instance, BrainPop, an educational program that consists of interesting animated video, helps children
and those who want to master English to enhance their language skills and reading comprehension.

Thank you all so much!

Question

Does this paragraph have problems? I want to use them in IELTS writing. Thank you!
In terms of the advantages of playing video games-

Playing educational games  have some benefits for people  such as improving problem-solving skills and arouse people's interest in learning.To begin with, by playing games, it can help them to train independent thinking. For example, people often face puzzles and problems which become tougher during games, so they can learn how to figure out the logic behind these problems and then deal with them.On top of that, some instructive applications can boost students' academic performance. For instance, BrainPop, an educational program that consists of interesting animated video, helps children   
and those who want to master English to enhance their language skills and reading comprehension.

Thank you all so much!

Answer

Here is a correction to the first sentence:

Playing educational games has some benefits for people such as improving problem-solving skills and arousing people's/their interest in learning.

Sometimes students overuse "people" when they are talking about general concepts which apply to all people. Here, you could have deleted "for people" and replaced "people's interest" with "an interest". But you were not wrong.

Answers · 2

Still haven’t found your answers?

Don’t miss out on the opportunity to learn a language from the comfort of your own home. Browse our selection of experienced language tutors and enroll in your first lesson now!