How would I say this essay correctly? #1
Some parents do not interfere with their children the hours they spend watching tv. They may think that there are some beneficial programs that develop the mental of the child. However, I personally agree with the assertion that watching TV is bad for children. This opinion is based on some notions such as the effect to their success; corruption of their social life; and the negative effect to their development.
To start with, I believe that the watching too much TV affect the children's success. Of course, some people may think that there are some beneficial programs that develop the mental of the child. However I feel that the watching too much TV may have negative effect on children's school success and taking an eager interest in their lessons. According to my own experince, generally children watching less TV more successful the others. Because they have more time in order to make their homework and preparation of before the lesson.
In addition to the issue of success,

Question

How would I say this essay correctly? #1
Some parents do not interfere with their children the hours they spend watching tv. They may think that there are some beneficial programs that develop the mental of the child. However, I personally agree with the assertion that watching TV is bad for children. This opinion is based on some notions such as the effect to their success; corruption of their social life; and the negative effect to their development.
To start with, I believe that the watching too much TV affect the children's success. Of course, some people may think that there are some beneficial programs that develop the mental of the child. However I feel that  the watching too much TV may have negative effect on children's school success and taking an eager interest in their lessons.  According to my own experince, generally children watching less TV more successful the others. Because they have more time in order to make their homework and preparation of before the lesson. 
In addition to the issue of success,

Answer

Your first essay  about TV watching was corrected, but you did not show any thanks for it.

Answer

Sorry Mr. Frank. I need help its link is there. http://www.italki.com/notebook/added/358075

Answer

You should really post this in the Notebook section.  Corrections can be made there and highlighted with color so that they are easy to find.  The Notebook section is very good for text of this size.
The Answer section is best for answers to simple questions about grammar - words, phrases or single sentences.

Answers · 3

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