Preparation for my IELTS Academic writing
Hello, I'm preparing for the IELTS exam, and the writing part is the most difficult for me so I'm trying to practice using exam's samples. Please I need a help to correct my essay. Thank you.
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Question: " The first car appeared on British roads in 1888. By the year 2000 there may be as
many as 29 million vehicles on British roads.
Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged and international laws
introduced to control car ownership and use.
To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience."
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My essay :
By all the odds, the car is one of the revolutionary inventions in the last century. While some people believe that the daily use of car make their life much easier and it becomes essential, others make the environmental concerns before their self-interest. In my opinion, the introduction of international laws to control car ownership and use will be beneficial for us and for our planet.
Firstly, I think that cars consume a lot of energy from their manufacture to their use. That Is to say, if we save this energy for the future instead of producing a huge number of cars every year, we will protect our natural resources because we all know that the earth’s resources of oil, gas and some metals are reducing and they may disappear soon.
Moreover, reducing the use of cars may reduce carbon in the air and diminish pollution as well. That’s why, I believe that 29 million vehicles in British roads damage the quality of the air for the citizens. For example, today the British government encourage people to buy electric cars by reducing taxes and helping them financially to decrease the traditional cars in the roads due to the pollution they make.
Finally, in my view, using other forms of transport as bicycles or public transports such as buses, metro and trains decrease the traffic jam in roads in particular in big cities.
Taking everything into consideration, I would say that the control of cars ownership and use by the government is an advantageous idea to provide a healthier life for people and for the planet as well.
Search from various English teachers...
Corrections · 3
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Moreover, reducing the use of cars may reduce carbon in the air/atmosphere and diminish pollution as well. [5] That’s why, I believe that 29 million vehicles on British roads damage diminish the quality of the air for the citizens [6]. For example, today the British government is encouraging people to buy electric cars by reducing taxes and helping them financially to decrease the number of traditional cars on the roads due to the pollution they make emit.
[5] I don't think 'diminish pollution' is generally used. Usually, it's just 'reduce pollution' or 'control pollution'. You could consider specifying reducing the type of pollution (ie. water, air, etc.) since you stated 'carbon in the air'.
[6] This is a bit redundant because air quality affects everyone.
Finally, in my view, using other forms of transport such as bicycles, or public transports such as [7] buses, metros and trains decrease the traffic jam/congestion on roads, in particular in big cities.
Taking everything into consideration, I would say that the control of cars ownership and use by the government is an advantageous idea proposition to as it provides a healthier life for people and for the planet as well [8].
[7] Try to avoid repetition in a sentence.
[8] Maybe: The government's control of the use and ownership of cars is an advantageous proposition as it provides a healthier environment for the people and a cleaner planet to live on.
If anything is unclear in the above suggestions, please tell me.
Great work! I hope this helps =)
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By all the odds, the car is one of the greatest [1] revolutionary inventions in the last century. While some people believe that the daily use of cars (or the car) makes their life much easier and it/so becomes essential, others make focus on the environmental concerns before their self-interest. In my opinion, the introduction of international laws to control car ownership and use will be beneficial for us and for our planet.
[1] When you say 'one of the', you need to add a comparative or superlative because you are comparing the car to other inventions. Personally, I think it's a bit strange to include 'greatest revolutionary invention'. You could consider: Undoubtedly, the car is one the greatest inventions that revolutionised the way in which we travel, etc.
Firstly [2], I think that cars consume a lot of energy from their manufacture to their use. That is to say, if we save this energy for the future instead of producing a huge number of cars every year, we will protect preserve our natural resources which is important [3] because we all know that the Earth’s resources of such as oil, gas and some metals are reducing and they may disappear soon. [4][2] Using ordinal adverbs is fine, but it's not necessary. Your topic sentence may sound more sophisticated without the use of these words.
[3] When you say 'because' make sure that you state that preserving natural resources is necessary/crucial.
[4] This sentence is a bit long and may become a bit convoluted. You could consider breaking it up: If we save this energy for the future instead of producing a huge number of cars every year, we will preserve our natural resources. This is important because the Earth’s resources such as oil, gas and some metals are being depleted and may disappear soon.
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