IELTS 35
Many people say that the 9/11 is a significant world event that has changed the world. Discuss the influence on world economy and other aspects taken by 9/11 incident.
It is the most famous incident in the twenty first century. I suppose that, there is no a modern person who does not know this news. This event have influence on many sides of social life such as: economic, politic, and everyday life. I will describe main points of modern life which had been changed after 11 September.
First of all, it is economics. After two skyscrapers fell down, the price of crude oil increased significantly. In 2007 price for barrel of oil was more then $200. generally known, that price of oil regulates economic developing of countries, cheap energetic recourse gives opportunity to developing countries. Thereby most of developing countries don't obtain extra economic growth.
Secondly, After this 11 September was a several war near a north Africa and Arabian Peninsula. All of these wars usually regarding to search of chemical or nuclear weapons. As result, Europe have been got a lot of refugees.
Finally, our everyday life habits was changed. Now we see plenty of metal detectors and security guards. Also we get restrictions our freedom in the internet and mobile connections. For example, nowadays a mobile provider must save recordings of all telephone conversations and output internet signals. In addition, in some countries police can apply the information from a provider without court decision. I am not sure that it would help in struggle against terrorists, I see only offense my rights. According with latest scandals, spying is prevalent in the social medias too.
In conclusion, Without this incident our life would be more quiet that now
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Стоит заметить, что я не носитель языка. Поправлю самые очевидные ошибки.
IELTS 35
Many people say that the 9/11 is a significant world event that has changed the world. Discuss the influence on world economy and other aspects taken by 9/11 incident.
It is the most famous incident in(of) the twenty first(https://www.dailywritingtips.com/writing-the-century/) century. I suppose that, there is no a modern person who does not know this news (какое-то неуклюжее предложение. После "no" "a modern person" не поставить, "not" вместо "no" тоже не очень звучит. Лучше его переписать заново - there isn't anyone left .. или что-нибудь другое). This event have (либо has, в настоящем, либо had, в прошедшем) influence on many sides of social life, such as: economic, politic (с "economic" все правильно, а вот во втором случае https://www.dictionary.com/browse/politic я бы добавил окончание al) and everyday life. I will describe main points of modern life which had been changed after 11 September. (У всех свое мнение, но многие считают, что писать "This essay will discuss..." и ему подобные предложения во введении не нужно - экзаменатор и так увидит, что будет обсуждаться или будет описано. Если этот вопрос действительно из IELTS, то структура вступления не выдержана. У Вас должен быть 1) парафраз вопроса, 2)тезис; Вы же своим первым предложением ссылаетесь на первое предложение вопроса, хотя стоило его перефразировать. Вместо I will describe, что включает I - мнение, которое у вас в вопросе не требуют, можно расширить тезис).
First of all, it is economics. After two skyscrapers fell down, the price of crude oil increased significantly. In 2007, the price for a barrel of oil was more then than $200. It is generally known, that (известно(,) что - в русском имеет запятую. В английском языке that при таком употреблении не обособляется) the price of oil regulates an economic development of countries, (здесь нужен либо: 1) артикль, 2) this - т.к. мы говорим о нефти, 3) что-то посложнее, the aforementioned) cheap energetic recourse gives an opportunity to developing countries. (две части предложения не образуют одно. Стоило их лучше связать или разделить). Thereby most of developing countries don't obtain extra economic growth. (Вроде бы все было в прошлом, а тут настоящее время. Это общее предложение, не связанное со вторым?)
Secondly, After this 11 September was a several war (после теракта 11 сентября было несколько войн? ок - shortly after the terrorist attack several conflicts rekindled) near a north Africa (in the north African region) and Arabian Peninsula. All of these wars usually regarding (were started under a cover of/ using an exuse to) search of for chemical or nuclear weapons. As a result, Europe have been got (Европа - попадает под he/she/it, и к тому же https://www.native-english.ru/grammar/present-perfect-continuous) a lot of refugees.
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