Corrections · 2
A short composition based on an illustration
In the graph, distribution of income groups in terms of men born in Australia and in overseas regions can be seen. All the possible incomes have been categorised into four groups. By looking at the cluster on the left-hand side, the largest proportion of Australian-born men is middle-income, which is between 600 dollars and 1,000 dollars, whereas the biggest income group in other regions is the lower middle group with an income of 300 dollars to 600 dollars. At the same time, the lower-middle-income group is the second biggest income group among Australian-born men. In Australia, fewer males earn an income higher than 1,000 dollars, which only makes up for 20%. Yet only less than 15% of Australian-born men earn an income less than 300 dollars per month.However, in other regions, men are more likely to earn an income below 300 dollars than to earn an income over 1000 dollars. To sum up, Australian men may have a higher income level than the average level overseas.
Preparing for IELTS? Your essay is generally fine, but I think the graph you are using comes from a poor quality resource. Firstly, the income brackets don't make sense. $1,000 per week? per month? It should say. Even if it's per week, that's not a high income by Australian standards.
Secondly, the graph seems to be implying it's talking about Australian and foreign-born men in Australia, but it's not clear. This has damaged your essay because you can't interpret the information clearly.
I prefer the resources on this site. I think they're all free to access, and I'm not connected to the website!: https://www.ielts-exam.net/academic_writing_samples_task_1/1005/
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