The Result
Finally the result has come. My son entered to the home with a sad mood and his face was just like the cloudy sky. I hide my moved mind and welcomed him as usual. He looked at me leeringly with a berry face. But I saw the brightness in his eyes which he tried to hide from me. I floated my eyes to catch his eyes. A hidden secret was popping up in his eyes and hardly he was controlling him without letting his smile to come out. But his nose disclosed everything as he puffed up the nose when he was going to say lies.
"Ah! Caught."
A big smile emerged and he wrapped me tightly telling, "your son is the best student of the class." As usual tears were rolling down and I kissed him, whispering "God bless you."
"Apart from you and your love, nothing else I want amma ( mother)."He murmured with a cute voice.
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Corrections · 9
2
The Result
Finally the result has come. My son entered to the home inwith a sad mood and his face was just like the cloudy sky. I hide my moved mind (this is beautifully poetic, and I understand you, but if you wanted to be clearer you would probably say "I tried to hide my worried thoughts") and welcomed him as usual. He looked at me leeringly with a berry face. (Again, I love the image of a round, 'berry face' but this is not standard English if you're trying to convey something specific. Also, I don't think 'leeringly' is a word. You could say he leered at you, but there's often a sexual connotation to leering that doesn't fit here. I would say He looked at me 'mischeviously' maybe?) But I saw brightness in his eyes which he tried to hide from me. I floated my eyes to catch his eyes. A hidden secret was popping up in his eyes and hardly he was controlling him without letting his smile to come out. But his nose disclosed everything as he puffed up the nose when he was going to say lies."Ah! Caught."
A big smile emerged and he wrapped me tightly telling, "your son is the best student of the class." As usual tears were rolling down and I kissed him, whispering "God bless you."
"Apart from you and your love, nothing else I want amma ( mother)."He murmured with a cute voice.
Honestly, this is one of the most beautiful things I've read on italki (or anywhere else) in a while. You have a beautiful use of the language. I added a couple of thoughts, but I honestly wouldn't change much!
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The Result
Finally the result has come. My son came home sad and his face was just like the cloudy sky. I hid my mind and welcomed him as usual. He looked at me pleadingly* with a berry face. But I saw the brightness in his eyes which he tried to hide from me. My eyes caught his. A hidden secret was popping up in his eyes and he could hardly control a smile from coming out. But his nose disclosed everything as he puffed up the nose when he was going to say lies."Ah! Caught."
A big smile emerged and he hugged me tightly saying, "your son is the best student in the class." As usual tears were rolling down and I kissed him, whispering "God bless you."
"Apart from you and your love, there is nothing else I want, amma ( mother)." He whispered with a cute voice.
*If this was your meaning?
Very well written!
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Thanks all those who corrected me. :)
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Thank you very much Samaneh. :)
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very nice piece.
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