[My Trip to Sapporo City. 123] Would you mind correcting my essay? If you were me, how would you go about writing it? Which part should I describe in detail? I hope my explanations are clear. I ho

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Hiro Miyamoto 🚄Professional Teacher

[My Trip to Sapporo City. 123] Would you mind correcting my essay? If you were me, how would you go about writing it? Which part should I describe in detail? I hope my explanations are clear. I hope you can understand them. (Shiroi Koibito Park Three) I’m telling you about the Shiroi Koibito confectionary factory in this park which is one of the nicest attractions in Sapporo. I studied and had enjoy at these producing process. I saw how to make cookies and chocolates from start to the end and, It was understandable and make be happy. There guidance and explanation had tree languages, ; English, Mandarin and Japanese, also they had tours for visitors for about twenty minutes with nice guides. I think that it’s good for the kids education and learn with curious. There were such a good smell inside the building made me hungry. Everything were cute and arrogant!! If I have a daughter, I definitely take her to the place. I highly recommend that you visit this place with your family in Sapporo.

Corrections · 5

[My Trip to Sapporo City. 123]

Would you mind correcting my essay? If you were me, how would
you go about writing it?
Which part should I describe in detail? I hope my explanations are clear. I hope you can understand them.

(Shiroi Koibito Park Three)

I would like to share about the Shiroi Koibito confectionary factory which is one of the nicest attractions in Sapporo.

I enjoyed learning about the process of production. I saw how they make cookies and chocolates from start to the end. It was so simple and fun.

The guides there can explain the process in three languages which are English, Mandarin and Japanese. The factory tour for visitors takes about twenty minutes. Plus the guides are very nice and friendly.

I think that it’s good for kids because it is very educational and they can learn out of curiosity.
It smelled so good inside the building that it made me hungry.
Everything was cute and aromatic!

(the word arrogant would mean someone who is egoistic or self-important)

If I have a daughter, I would definitely take her there. I highly recommend that you visit this place with your family in Sapporo.

For a British view...

>> I’m going to tell you... // I will tell you...

Common ways to begin a story

"I would like to share about" sounds quite American (and informal / incorrect?) to me, maybe just because I am British

>> Everything was cute...

Beware with using the word "cute".

Americans use it to describe EVERYTHING, but outside the US, it should only be used to describe small animals or babies. Describing other things as "cute" sounds strange, inappropriate or even offensive (e.g. for adults). See the bottom of this page: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/cute-confusion-do-you-know-the-american-and-british-differences

>> If I had a daughter, I would definitely take her to the place.

(Conditional perfect. "If I have..." is a common error in English. http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/verbs/if-i-would-have-vs-if-i-had/.

Another example: "If I were President...", NOT "If I am President...")

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