Please help me revise my writing! Thanks a lot!
Dear Bob,
I’m writing to express my sincere apology to you for my carelessness. Two weeks ago, you lent me the Bandari’s CD. However, it is not until I arrived in China that I found the CD in my luggage. Much to my regret, I was in such a hurry that I packed everything in my luggage without checking carefully. To make up for the mistake, I have sent the CD to you by EMS and attached “Pride and Prejudice”, as it is your favorite book. I hope this settlement will meet your wishes. Once again, please accept my heartfelt apology for the inconvenience I have caused.
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Please help me revise my writing! Thanks a lot!
Dear Bob,I’m writing to express my sincere apology to you for my carelessness. Two weeks ago, you lent me the Bandari’s CD. However, it is was not until I arrived in China that I found the CD in my luggage. Much to my regret, I was in such a hurry that I packed everything in my luggage without checking carefully. To make up for the mistake, I have sent the CD to you by EMS and attached enclosed “Pride and Prejudice”, as it is your favorite book. I hope this settlement will meet your wishes. Once again, please accept my heartfelt apology for the inconvenience I have caused.
This is really good! Because it is so formal, I would start with "I am writing" rather than "I'm writing." "Much to my regret" seems awkward, but I have not come up with a replacement that has quite the same meaning. I would be more likely to say "Unfortunately," but it's not as gracious as your version. Instead of "the mistake" I would say "my mistake," which would help soften the tone of "Unfortunately" a little. Instead of saying "as it is your favorite book" I would say something like "as you mentioned that it is your favorite book" or "as I know that it is your favorite book." Instead of "will meet your wishes" I would either say "will be satisfactory" or "will please you," depending which is closer to your meaning. "Settlement" would be more appropriate if you were resolving a legal issue; "arrangement" is more suitable to this situation. These are all small subtleties and your message as it stands is very clear and communicates your meaning very well; my suggestions would just make it sound a little more like natural English. Great job!
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