Reflections on myself

This morning I woke up and looked (at myself) in the mirror. I thought, well, I’m an old man. Sad but true. By the way, I’ll try to explain my life in a few words. I've made some important reflections on myself.
I have a dog. Small, weak and boring. But currently, he’s (//because you treat him as a friend) my best friend. It follows me everywhere I go. The name of my dog is Flofly. Oh my God! This name is a little bit weird. But could you imagine who gave him this name? Exactly, my wife! Oh shit!
I couldn’t give an awful (//miserable isn't the best adjective here) name to my own dog. My wife did, though. She always chooses everything in my life. I don’t like it, but it’s necessary if I want to keep living with her. The family is very boring: wife, kids (//bills aren't family). All the time! If you want to have a family, well, you should think twice (//twice = two times).
So, one day I decided to start walking my dog every morning. In my country, the violence is normal and we cannot have guns or knives (shit again). But I have Flofy to defend me at all times. I can always count on him.
I forgot one important thing. I love to smoke marijuana. I used to smoke with my friend when I was younger. It was very exciting. One day I stopped and decided to work as an accountant. Now I’ve seen that it's better to go back to marijuana (//if I understand correctly). By the way, after smoking, I hope to have an amazing conversation with Flofly, my dog.
So, I can't say that I love Jesus.