Can someone help mark my IELTS writing about sports promotion?
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
A declining level of the public health has begun catching lots of attention. One of the possible solution is to encourage an active lifestyle by constructing more sports facilities. I, however, think that the effect of this approach alone is very limited.
Advocate of this believe that the more sport facilities, the less hassles they need to tackle and the more convenient they can play sports, which directly encourage them to exercise more. Since the sports centers and equipment are government owed, the public is charged at a lower cost, which further motivated them to use the sports service.
However, for those who are not sports enthusiasts or those who solely enjoy living a sedentary lifestyle, new sports establishment can be less appealing to them. I believe addressing the public low health awareness and literacy are the most fundamental things we need to work on. Thus, more health education should be promoted at school and on the social media. Offering more incentives for individuals to participate in sports can also be another practical measures. The authority can subsidize people to visit the gym centers, so that a wider range of sports equipment is available. Besides, social influence can have a large impact on public behavior change. By inviting more celebrities to foster exercise trends and funding and organizing more sports competitions throughout a year, people will become more energetic and engaged in sports.
In conclusion, not only should we install more sports facilities, we should also provide more public education, offer various financial incentives and bring up the exercising trend in a society in order to improve public health through sports.
Search from various English teachers...
Corrections · 4
1
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
A declining level of the public health has begun catching lots of attention. One of the possible solutions is to encourage an active lifestyle by constructing more sports facilities. I, however, think that the effect of this approach alone is very limited.
Advocates of this approach believe that the more sport facilities, the fewer hassles people need to tackle and the more conveniently they can play sports, which directly encourages them to exercise more. Since the sports centers and equipment are government owed, the public is charged at a lower cost, which further motivated them to use the sports service.
However, for those who are not sports enthusiasts or those who solely enjoy living a sedentary lifestyle, new sports establishments can be less appealing to them. I believe addressing the awareness and literacy of low public heath is the most fundamental thing we need to work on. Thus, more health education should be promoted at school and on the social media. Offering more incentives for individuals to participate in sports can also be another practical measure. The authority (?) can subsidize people to visit the gym centers, so that a wider range of sports equipment is available. Besides, social influence can have a large impact on public behavior change. By inviting more celebrities to foster exercise trends, and funding and organizing more sports competitions throughout the year, people will become more energetic and engaged in sports.
In conclusion, not only should we install more sports facilities, we should also provide more public education, offer various financial incentives and bring up the exercising trend in society in order to improve public health through sports.
Very Good! What I marked in blue are recommendations. They don't need to be changed to make it correct.
0
Can someone help mark my IELTS writing about sports promotion?
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.A declining level of the public health has begun to catch lots of* attention. One of the possible solutions is to encourage an active lifestyle by constructing more sports facilities. I, however, think that the effect of this approach alone is very limited.
Advocates of this approach believe that the more sport facilities, the less hassles they people** need to tackle and the more conveniently they can play sports, which directly encourages them to exercise more. Since the sports centers and equipment are government-owned, the public is charged at a lower cost, which further motivates them to use the sports service.
However, for those who are not sports enthusiasts or those who solely enjoy living a sedentary lifestyle, new sports establishments can be less appealing to them. I believe addressing the public low health awareness and literacy are the most fundamental things we need to work on. Thus, more health education should be promoted at school and on the social media. Offering more incentives for individuals to participate in sports can also be another practical measures. The authority can subsidize people to visit the gym centers, so that a wider range of sports equipment is available. Besides, social influence can have a large impact on public behavior change. By inviting more celebrities to foster exercise trends and funding and organizing more sports competitions throughout a the year, people will become more energetic and engaged in sports.
In conclusion, not only should we install more sports facilities, we should also provide more public education, offer various financial incentives and bring up promote/encourage the exercising trend in a society in order to improve public health through sports.
---
* usually we won't say "a lot of attention." Just "catch attention" is more natural.
** more clear who "they" is
I wrote some notes above, but if you have any more questions about my corrections feel free to ask!
Want to progress faster?
Join this learning community and try out free exercises!
Don’t miss out on the opportunity to learn a language from the comfort of your own home. Browse our selection of experienced language tutors and enroll in your first lesson now!
Start Learning Today
