Ben's Failure

Last Monday, Ben totally screwed himself up. It happened after the school while Ben was hanging out with friends in his house. “How about some card tricks?”, he asked. The day before, Ben saw a National Geographic’s documentary about illusionists and wanted to demonstrate his new skills to his fellows. They agreed.

Ben stood up and took a deck of cards out of the “secret place” in his desk. It was an amazing deck with beautiful women depicted on the card backs. Ben shuffled the cards and tossed them in three stacks. “Pick one”, he said. One of the guys pointed at the stack. Ben put his hand over the card. “Now I’ll guess this card”, he said confidently.

Ben flipped the card over and of course he failed. His fellows started teasing him, but it was a funny game and they decided to keep playing. The boys yelled and laughed trying to guess the cards, when all of the sudden Ben’s friends got silent. Ben noticed that the boys were staring at a point behind him. He turned around and saw his mom inspecting the cards and especially the women on the backs.

Of course, his mom got angry. She threw down the cards and then started scolding Ben.

Yellow = grammar/word choice error

Teal = changed wording to sound more like a native speaker

Lavender = meaning unclear; changed to my best guess about your meaning

This was a funny and interesting story! There were no spelling mistakes, which was awesome. I liked the use of slang when appropriate, but it wasn't overdone. Great job!

Ben's Failure

Last Monday Ben totally screwed himself up. It happened after school when he was chilling with friends in his house. “How about some card tricks?”, he asked. A day before, Ben saw a National Geographic documentary about illusionists and wanted to demonstrate his new skills to his fellows. They agreed.

Ben stood up and took a card deck out of the “secret place” in his desk. It was an amazing deck with beautiful women depicted on the cards' backs. Ben shuffled the cards and dealt them into three stacks. “Pick one”, he said. One of guys pointed at a stack. Ben put his hand over the card. “Now I’ll guess this card”, he said with confidence.

Ben flipped the card over and, of course, he failed. The fellows started bantering at him but it was a funny game and they decided to move on. The boys yelled and laughed trying to guess cards, but all of a sudden Ben’s friends went silent. Ben noticed that they were staring at a point behind him. He turned around and saw his mom inspecting the cards and especially the naked women on the backs.

Of course, mom got angry. She kicked the cards off and then started scolding Ben.

Very well written!