Hey there, this my practice for the critical postgraduate entrance exam! Plz help me! Thank u!
Dear sir,
I am writing this letter in the purpose of expressing my humble opinions about physical health problem among students. Truly, the past several years witnessed the students’ deteriorating physical condition. Especially at present, it has become a grim issue that needs prompt attention. Owing to living in such a society that is full of various kinds of junk foods and all kinds of electronic products so that students prefer to have junk foods and immerse in their virtual world, rather than going out for walk or jogging for a while. It is this kind of inappropriate conduct that leads their terrible physical problems.
Therefore, what should be give the high priority is to take this grim issue into great consideration. There are two recommendations below. First and foremost, it is imperative for our university’s management to take some mandatory measures to command our students to doing some beneficial sports every morning to enhance constitution. Secondly, our school might as well organize some activities or contests such as basketball matches which could motivate youngsters to take more exercise.
In conclusion, I am in the hope that my suggestions could be take into account .
Yours sincerely,
Li Ming
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Hey there, this my practice for the critical postgraduate entrance exam! Plz help me! Thank u!
Dear Sir/Madam,I am writing this letter in for the purpose of expressing my humble opinions about the physical health problem among students. Truly, the past several years has witnessed the deterioration of the students’ physical condition. Especially at present, it has become a grim issue that needs prompt attention. I believe it is due to Owing to living in such a society that is full of various kinds of junk foods and all kinds of electronic products, so that students prefer to eat fast food have junk foods and immerse themselves in their virtual world, rather than to go going out for a walk or jogging for a short jog while. It is this kind of inappropriate conduct that leads to their terrible physical problems.
Therefore, what this issue should be given the highest priority is to take this grim issue into great consideration. There are two recommendations below.
First and foremost, it is imperative for our university’s management to take some mandatory measures to command make it mandatory for our students do to doing some exercise beneficial sports every morning to enhance constitution. Secondly, our school might as well organize some activities or contests such as basketball matches which could motivate students youngsters to do take more exercise.
In conclusion, I sincerely am in the hope that my suggestions will could be taken into account.
Yours sincerely,
Li Ming
Some notes:
- Owing to is used like "Because", it is either in the second half of the sentence as a reason, or the first have before more information. e.g. "The students' health has deteriorated, owing to the lack of exercise".
- Immerse is reflexive when speaking about yourself. You can immerse a phone in water, but you immerse yourself in a good book, for example.
- I used 'to go' instead of going because it's being compared to another infinitive verb "They prefer to eat junk than to go for a walk".
- Similarly, I've edited a lot of sentences with unnecessary fillers. They prefer to do X rather than to go for a walk or (to go for) a short jog.
- Something always leads *to* something else
- The word 'inappropriate' especially with 'conduct' tends to sound like you're judging the morality of their conduct. Their actions aren't necessarily immoral, they're just not great for their health. You might want to change it to "This unhealthy conduct" or "These unhealthy habits"
- The term "to enhance constitution" is very old-fashioned and wouldn't be used nowadays.
- Twice you forgot the 'n' on the past participle for the passive voice.
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