A Piece of Negative Energy

I never thought that feeling inferior was a big problem. I regarded it as a manifestation of being modest until my friend pointed it out to me that my level of inconfidence low level of confidence might have exceeded the normal threshold of being humble.

I was sitting at a table with six other schoolmates and our supervisor. We were discussing our research topics. When it came to be my turn*, I instantly avoided talking about my research, but rather and instead changed/swayed ("changed is better") the topic to the other end something else, such as movies or my future exchange plan, which obviously made me more comfortable. I thought I was not properly prepared to even talk about it. Talking about research takes a great amount of courage from me. It is even intimidating to some extent. I was so worried about losing faces, getting disapproval from my supervisor or revealing that I was actually a stupid person.

My standard for getting properly prepared is thoroughly reading at least one or two papers worthy of future research. On other occasions, if I need to do a 40-min presentation, I probably need at least three entire days to prepare and must stay up on the last night. I hadn't met that criteria when I was at the table that time. And I never realized that my metrics***  were a bit too high. I thought that setting such a standard reflected a kind of commitment to my work and responsibility to myself. However, it was already an over-pressure on my own. (Since "over-pressure" isn't a real word, I would suggest saying, "However, I was just putting too much pressure on myself".)

In addition, my friend pointed out my other behaviours that show obvious signs of feeling extremely inferior and unsafe - I could hardly approve of my achievements. My paper was published in a good journal and I credited it entirely to the other two co-authors; I took my friend to a nice place, I credited it to the one* who recommended it without recognizing my own effort in searching for it; I entered a good study program, I credited it to my connection with my supervisor. I tended to deny/discredit my own endeavours in almost everything. This syndrome deteriorated**** after I entered a very competitive master's program.

When I talked with some of my other friends about my inferiority, she felt that she probably never knew me that well before. I hid this negative energy deeply in my mind and had even learned to coexist with it. I know some day it will explode, but I don't want to wait to solve it until that day. Probably need to learn to be unprepared.

Sorry for the negative energy and thank you for any comments or corrections!

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*"When my turn came" sounds more natural.

**"one" is fine, but "person" would sound better.

***"standards" or "expectations" would fit better here

***I think "syndrome" sounds very dramatic. If you want to use it that is okay, but I would write something like, "These tendencies became less serious"

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It's great that you're so passionate about your work and that you're the type of person who likes to plan for things. I'm sure that no one at that table thought you were stupid, and no one there was judging you as harshly as you were judging yourself! Being demanding of yourself is good if it keeps you motivated, but you shouldn't do it so much that it keeps you from enjoying your research. Good luck!! You're going to do great things!

A Piece of Negative Energy

I never thought that feeling inferior was a big problem. I regarded it as a manifestation of being modest. Until my friend pointed it out to me that my level of inconfidence (this is not a word, just "low level of confidence") might have exceeded the normal threshold of being humble.

I was sitting at table with six other schoolmates and our supervisor. We were discussing our research topics. When it came to my turn, I instantly avoided talking about my research, but rather changed/swayed the topic to the other end, such as movies or my future exchange plan, which obviously made me more comfortable. I thought I was not properly prepared to even talk about it. Talking about research takes a great amount of courage from me. It is even intimidating to some extent. I was so worried about losing faces (not sure what this means?), getting disapproval from my supervisor or revealing that I was actually a stupid person.

My standard for getting properly prepared is at least reading thoroughly one or two papers worthy of future research. On other occasions, if I need to do a 40-min presentation, I probably need at least three entire days to prepare and must stay up on the last day. I hadn't met the criteria when I was at table that time. And I never realized that my metrics were a bit too high. I thought that setting such a standard reflected a kind of commitment to my work and responsibility for myself. However, it was already an over-pressure (this is not a common word, but maybe just use "pressure) on my own.

In addition, my friend pointed out my other behaviours showing obvious signs of feeling extremely inferior and unsafe - I could hardly approve my achievements. My paper published in a good journal and I credited it entirely to the other two co-authors; I took my friend to a nice place, I credited it to the one who recommended it without recognizing my own effort in searching it; I entered a good study program, I credited to the connection with my supervisor. I tended to deny/discredit my own endeavour in almost everything. This syndrome deteriorated after I entered a very competitive master's program.

When I talked with the other of my friends about my inferiority. , she felt that she probably never knew well much about me before. I hid these this negative energy deeply in my mind and even had learned to coexist with it. I know some day it will explode, but I don't want to wait to solve it until that day. Probably need to learn to be unprepared.

Sorry for the negative energy and thank you for any comments or corrections!

Great job, your writing seems advanced!