Search from various English teachers...
Türkiye flagnimet
Women in millitary- I started to studying toefl, it's my first writing text, help! :) First of all, I am against peacetime conscription. In fact, a man who is a woman hair designer. It doesn't make sense that force him to go army. In my opinion, goverment has to arrange big part of budget for army. They must be all educated people and makes practice regularly. Goverment can't seperate people's job or life style that just looking sexuality. You are man, you have to go army one period of your life, you are woman you can't go army. It is terrible. If we look past, there are lots of brave and succesfull woman. I proud of them. I accept, woman and man bodies are different. Even we can't say all women are same. Army has a complex occupation that need either women and men. Shortly, don't need to care anything! It's up to you!

Corrections · 14

0

Women in the Military - (I started to studying toefl, it's my first writing text, help! :) ).

Firstly of all, I am against peacetime conscription. In fact, why should a man, who is a womans' hair designer, be forced  to join the Army / Armed Forces / military. It just doesn't make sense! 

In my opinion, the goverment has to allocate a larger proportion arrange big part of its budget to the army Armed Forces. They Military personnel all need to be must be all educated people, and makes who are well trained and practice their skills on a regular basis.

The Goverment can't seperate people's job or life style that just looking sexuality shouldn't conscript people based just on their gender, but should take into account a persons phisique and civilian job role.

If you are man, you have to join / enlist in the army, but if you are woman you can't go army. It's is so unjust and terrible.

If we look at the past, there are lots of brave and succesfull womaen. I am proud of them all!

I accept, women's and men's bodies are different. Even wWe can't even say all women are same!  The Army has a complex is an occupationally complex system, that needs either both women and men.

Shortly, don't need to care anything! It's up to you!

Joining the military should be a personal choice, and not something forced upon you!


0

Women in the military- I started to studying toefl, it's my first writing text, help! :)

First of all, I am against peacetime conscription. Take a man who designs womens' hair. It doesn't make sense that force him to join the army. In my opinion, a big part of the government budget is for the army. They must be all educated people and practice regularly. Government can't separate people's job or lifestyle just by looking at their sexuality. If you are man you have to go into army for a certain period in your life. If you are a woman you can't go into the army. It is terrible.

If we look to the past, there were lots of brave and successful women. I am proud of them. I accept that women's and men's bodies are different. We can't even say that all women are the same. The army is a complex occupation that needs both women and men.

In brief, you don't need to care about anything! It's up to you! (?)

Very well written but I did not understand how the last sentence related to the essay.

0

Women in millitary- I started to studying toefl, it's my first writing text, help! :)

First of all, I am against peacetime conscription. Take as an example a man who is a woman's hair designer. It doesn't make sense to  force him to go into the army. In my opinion, the  government has to arrange  a proper budget for the army. They must be all educated people and train regularly. The Government can't seperate people's job or life style just looking at their sexuality. If you are a man, you have to go army for one period of your life, if you are woman you can't go in the army. It is terrible.

If we look at past times, there are lots of brave and succesfull woman. I am proud of them. I accept that women's and men's bodies are different. But we can't even say that all women are the same. An army  has many occupations and  needs both  women and men.

Shortly, don't need to care anything! It's up to you!  (?)
0
Hello Gillian, Yes!!:) You read my mind! :D haha :)) Thank you so much!! :)
0

Women in military.  I started to studying for my TOEFL, and  it's my first written text, help! :)

First of all, I am against peacetime conscription during peacetime. In fact, Say, for example, a man who is a woman hair stylist, and he is  It doesn't make sense that forced  him to go join the army during peacetime, does that make any sense to you? No, it doesn't to me.

 In my opinion, a government should correct the gender imbalance that is currently found in their army. We are as educated as men and can practice equally well They must be all educated people and makes practice regularly. Therefore, a government  should not can't seperate be biased against people whose job or life style that they see as inappropriate, just because of the feminine nature of their job, regardless of the gender of the person.just looking sexuality. If you are man, you have to join the army for at least a period in your life, but if you are woman, you can't join the army. I think this  It is terribly unfair.

If we look back to history , there are were lots of brave and successful women. I am proud of them. Even though I accept the fact that the body of a man and a woman are different, you can't say that all women are the same, as far as physical strength is concerned. Besides , the Army has an complex a occupational structure that need both women and men, even with jobs that that are more suited for woman, as a matter of fact.

Shortly, don't need to care anything! It's up to you! > This is incomprehensible .

I changed the flow of your writing because some of them just do not relate to one another to be meaningful.

Want to progress faster?

Join this learning community and try out free exercises!

Don’t miss out on the opportunity to learn a language from the comfort of your own home. Browse our selection of experienced language tutors and enroll in your first lesson now!

Start Learning Today