In Korea, it is mandatory that every able-bodied man must serve in the army for 21 months. Almost every man has to spend their precious time in the military while most women are preparing to get a job. For Because of this structure, now it there is a rising movement issue in Korea to give extra credits consideration to male job seekers for their military service. Actually, this system of awarding bonus points to men who completed their two-year mandatory military service was ruled to be unconstitutional in 1999. This system was introduced in 1966, but the Constitutional Court declared that it is unconstitutional because this rather can it discriminates against women and disabled people. So it is better that we have to consider the issue more seriously before reintroducing this system. 
There are some reasons that why this system is not ideal for everyone. First, the system cannot does not solve address the issue every problem clearly for the entire job seeking populous. It is only adjusted applied to the military veterans who are seeking public posts, While for people who not for those seeking jobs in private firms is not adjusted. In fact, in Korea now, there are many more people who are seeking to work in private firms or other career more than in public posts. Therefore only a few of veterans can be benefit from this system. It is totally not proper to the This runs counter to the system’s purpose. 
Moreover I think the most important thing is to enhance other benefits in military. For example, military pay is very low comparing to some other countries. In Korea, servicemen are only paid almost 100,000 won per month. But in U.S.A., they are paid 6,500,000 won, in Japan 5,500,000 won and in Europe 3,700,000 on average. Even in Israel they are paid 1,500,000 won per month. Although the salaries prices are necessarily different in every country, it has great differences regardless of the price the salary in Korea is not comparable to the rest. Furthermore we can should also think about the benefits given to discharged soldiers. In U.S.A., they can receive up to 380,000,000 won in severance pay, use receive social welfare organization security at a in reduced price, and benefit from tax exemptions also. In Israel, the government supports pays their entire admission fee of to university and their medical benefits. We know that Israel has same mandatory military system as with Korea, but for Korean discharged soldiers don’t have receive any benefits except for some amusement parks or railway services discounts.

Notes: 

Mandatory military service is not a “structure”, so you can just say, “because of this…”

It seems strange to use the word “credits” when talking about getting hired.  Consideration is a more broad term that can encompass “credits” if the company for some reason uses a point system for hiring.

If you want to use “issue”, you need to frame it like an issue.  Issue: “whether to give extra consideration…” Movement: “to give extra consideration…”

“declare _____ unconstitutional” is a set term that is only used in sentences like this. The way your sentence was written would work most other times.

“this rather can” makes no sense.

“it is better that we”: This is used if you don’t agree with something someone else wants to do.  And it is extremely roundabout.

You only have written one problem, but then you write, “cannot solve every problem clearly”. What is “every problem”? what is “clearly”?

A system can be “adjusted”, but it would not mean what you would want it to mean.

“more people _____ than _____.” Not: “many people ______ more than _____”.

It isn’t that they “can” benefit, it is that they “would” or “do” benefit.

“Almost + amount” is used if you are surprised because the amount is very large, but you are saying the amount is very small.  If it is less than 100,000 / month, you should say, “they are paid less than 100,000 per month”.

You write, “it has great differences.” What is “it” in this sentence?

You don’t  “support” an admission fee.

Great job!  If you have questions please let me know.