My IELTS essay.

In many countries people tend to put on extra kilograms while even though their health is deteriorating more and more because of this.
Nowadays people in developed countries spend the most of their time being busy at work. They do their best to earn enough money so that they could to increase their lifespan. But does it really help them to achieve their goal? In fact, people overwork during the week, and as a result they feel exhausted and the only two things they want to do is to eat are eating and going to sleep as soon as possible. They have no wish or force strength to do anything else. That is, actually, why they have to make a dive into some fast food restaurants on their way home. As a consequence people get used to eating junk food which is tasty, not expensive and easy to find.
Moreover, busy people do not spend enough time in the fresh air playing volleyball or jogging. They prefer finishing their work instead which also influences their shape and health. Besides, for being in touch with friends or relatives you do not really need to leave your coach and go somewhere out because everything you need today is in a smartphone or a PC. Such life style is sure to lead to health and fitness decreasing.
Nevertheless, I believe that there are ways to solve these pressing problems. A human being is a social creature and he is they are easily influenced by everything he they sees or hears. Such particularity should be used to turn people around so that they kept keep a healthy lifestyle. For instance, active kinds of sport must be promoted on TV or on the Web by celebrities. Besides, healthy food needs to be advertised as the only way to stay young and beautiful for many years.

My IELTS essay.

In many countries people tend to put on extra kilograms weight and while their health is deteriorating more and more because of this.

Nowadays people in developed countries spend the most of their time being busy at work. They do their best to earn enough so that they could can increase their lifespan. But does it really help them to achieve their goal? In fact, people overwork during the week and as a result they feel exhausted and the only two things they want to do is to eat and sleep as soon as possible. They have no wish or force energy to do anything else. That is, actually, why they have to make a dive into some fast food restaurant on their way home. As a consequence people get used to eating junk food which is tasty, not expensive and easy to find.

Moreover, busy people do not spend enough time in the fresh air playing volleyball or jogging. They prefer finishing to finish their work instead which also influences their shape and health. Besides, for to being in touch with friends or relatives you do not really need to leave your couch and go out somewhere  because everything all you need today is a smartphone or a PC. Such a life style is sure to lead to health and fitness decreasing.

Nevertheless, I believe that there are ways to solve these pressing problems. A human being is a social creature and he is easily influenced by everything he sees or hears. Such particularity should be used to turn people around so that they keep to a healthy lifestyle. For instance, active kinds of sport must be promoted on TV or on the Web by celebrities. Besides Also, healthy food needs to be advertised as the only way to stay young and beautiful for many years.

Hello Annette,

The text is understandable and you have used a variety of language with a good level of success. There are mistakes but I don't believe that they obscure meaning at all. I believe that this text is certainly in the band 7 region assuming that you have covered all the points in the question.

Well done