Explorer in blue. This kind of nightmare came to me last night. When u lose someone it stays with u. Always reminding u of how easy it is to get hurt. The Uni's empty yard has this power to recall my memory back. That's why I hate to stay here alone. This kind of stuff..It just barged in my life and now it wants to pull me into the river of pain and tries to douche me. Only whispers can tell of the sweet dreams that we knew so well. Only God can save my life and soul. I do feel bad. I was wigging out just now. I don't even know why. I got back tonight planning on doing what I always do. I always try to write something down in my diary. It's where I get everything out, everything I'm feeling. It all goes into this hideous little book. But then I realized that I'd just be writting things I even don't know. Today I convinced myself it was ok to give up. Don't take risks. Stick with the status quo. No drama. Now it's just not the time. But my reasons aren't reasons. They are excuses. All I'm doing is hiding from the truth. And the truth is that I am scared. Remember what Bonnie said in her book? "But when the sun came out reality set in." And I can add something here. When the reality set in, every beautiful thing, every tiny little thing, will be ashed to ash. I am scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment that.. The world is gonna be crashing down and I don't know if I can surive for that. Maybe I am a critic, a cynic. Or an I jaded or am I afraid of it? This feeling is called insecurity among u guys. It's dragging me down burmming me out making my head spin round and round. I hate that but I can't avoid it. Bid goodbye to all of that. All of the things that I don't want to remember, that's my way. And that's all I want for now.