Please anybody help me check this writing task 2 on IELTS. Thank you very very much.

Do you think it is better for student to work before their university study ? why ?

Students, graduated from highschools are usually confused to decide deliberately whether to experience a period of working before taking part in university or vice versa. In my opinion, I firmly believe that it is better for students to get a job first.
To begin with, after having a certain time of working, the students will be more mature in the way they think and the way they react to difficult (different) situations. They can learn the method of critical thinking and eliminate the unlogical thinking approach. Besides, they may learn how to become more patient when coping with a problem at work. As a result, they will find it easier to deal with the academic puzzles.
In additon, struggling to survive in the today competitive market, helps our students gain valuable working experience, which the companies actually require from them. Students choosing to work first, also get the necessary contacts from their colleagues, their clients, their bosses and so on. Furthermore, the companies might have its staff trained their on their job skills by professionals in the fields. It is a big opportunity for the students to communicate with their brilliant coach, as well as enhance the specialized knowledge in their fields. In such a context, with that accumulated experience they may even find at ease a higher position at ease after graduation.
Nextly, it is very helpful that working gives the students a big chance to improve sophisticated social skills through developing and expanding the relationships among colleagues. Moreover, our students may work out a new appoach to close the gap between academia and private sector, from that they will get an extremely clear understanding of themselves, which will make them feel confident in choosing a right course or even in eliminating unnecessary, impratical knowledge when studying at university.
To sum up, the benefits from working before participating a course at university seem to be very clear. Undoubtedly, those benefits will make a student become more competitive and will make it easy easily to reach a higher position in their future.