Toefl writing independent essay (Number 3)

Please help me correct my mistakes!

Question: If you could study a subject that you have never had the opportunity to study, what would you choose? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

My essay:

If I could study a subject that I have never had the opportunity to study, I would choose medicine to become a doctor. There are many subjects to study and nobody can master all of them. A person has to choose one subject to prepare for his or her future. Although I chose civil engineering and enjoy my carrier as an engineer, but being a doctor was always my dream. I was not able to get that chance.
As a child, I always dreamed that someday I would dress in blue clothes and help patients who needed help, especially my mother. My mother had a heart problem and she always seemed to be in a lot of pain. As I was young and eager to learn more, I asked a lot of questions about why my mother was undergoing so much pain. My father always tried to tell me that the doctors would make sure that my mom would pull through her sickness. This gave me some sense of hope and made me believe that doctors always saved lives. I didn't wish to be the wealthiest and most highly educated doctor the world has ever seen. I just wished that someday with my knowledge I could help my mother and her illness. That's why when I couldn’t pass the exam to go to medical university, my little brother took this exam and passed it 2 year later.
In addition to my mother’s illness, I want to be there to help people. As a doctor you share in people’s darkest and happiest moments. I will be the one whose opinion they trust, whose advice they ask, and the one who can change their life. You can heal people and make them better.
Another reason is that when I study medicine, I can learn many things about the human body, about techniques, treatments, and equipment being used in medicine. How interesting is that!
The gratitude for helping someone through a difficult illness, the honor of being trusted to give advice, and the awe of discovering the human body are things that never grow old. Do you want me to study medicine too?

If you are writing a more formal paper, you might want to avoid contractions (that's to that is) and change second person verbs to third person verbs (you share to one shares). It looks like you have a three point thesis in the conclusion, but the thesis is usually the last sentence of the first paragraph because it introduces your paper. Also, it's best not to ask the reader questions because it seems kind of awkward and off focus. Otherwise, good transitions and sentence structure :)

Toefl writing independent essay (Number 3)

Please help me correct my mistakes!

Question: If you could study a subject that you have never had the opportunity to study, what would you choose? Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

My essay:

If I could study a subject that I have never had the opportunity to study, I would choose Medicine, to become a doctor. There are many subjects to study and nobody can be master of all subjects. They have to choose one subject to prepare for their future. Although I chose civil engineering and enjoy my carrier career as an engineer, but being a doctor was always my dream. I was not able to get that chance.
As a child, I always dreamed that someday I could put a blue clothe on my back, and help patients who need help, especially my mother. My mother has a problem with her heart, she always seemed to be in a lot of pain and as I was young and eager to learn more, I asked a lot of questions about why my mother was undergoing so much pain. My father always tried to tell me that the doctors will would make sure that my mom pulls pulled (or "would pull") through her sickness. This gave me some sense of hope and made me believe that doctors always saved lives. I don’t wish to be the wealthiest and most highly educated doctor the world’s ever seen. I just wish someday with my knowledge I could help my mother and her illness. That why when I couldn’t pass the exam to go to medical university, my little brother take this took the exam and passed it 2 years later.
In addition of to my mother’s illness, I want to be there to help people. As a doctor you share in people’s darkest and happiest moments. I will be the one whose opinion they trust, whose advice they ask; the one who can change their life. You can heal people and make them better.
Another reason is that when I study medicine, I can learn many things about the human body, about techniques, treatments, and equipment being used in medicine. How interesting is that!
The gratitude for helping someone through a difficult illness, the honor of being trusted to give advice, the awe of discovering the human body. These things never grow old. Do you want me to study medicine too.