Immigration of Young People into Cities-VNTEST141213

Many opponents of urbanization may make a statement that young people are prone to many risks and bad effects from a city lifestyle. However, I think that this point of view is not agreeable and believe that the advantages of living in a city surpass its disadvantages by a landslide. <You belieave? Who belieaves?

With its tremendous advantages of a highly populous concentration and proximity, cities offer better social security and effective administration, on top of which they represent higher possibilities and opportunities for young people in terms of personal development, education and healthcare.<Whoa, This can be made into two sentences...maybe three?I don't know..

With technological advances offered in a large city, adolescents can upgrade their knowledge, build up a wider network, and update the latest innovation of the global intelligence that might be otherwise never obtained in rural communities. A modern healthcare system is another significant contributor that makes a city worth living for any young educated people. It is clearly seen that in most countries, especially developing ones, the best hospitals are placed in major cities rather than in the countryside areas.
One other important effect of a city is the employment chances it offers. Urbanization might not be completed without immigration. As cities grow, businesses increase and governmental administration was strengthened, the demand for qualified labor force increase significantly. This means the younth people have higher chances of being employed by many sectors of the economics, depending on their personalities, qualification, and skills. Unlike in the rural areas where only limited options of jobs are available, a city environment, with diversified types of services and products offered, create various fields of works so that young people can choose over after their graduation.
From what have been discussed, I totally concur (do you mean "conclude") that cities do more good than harm for the young people, with it playing a crucial role in providing a perfect setting for both personal development as well as professional advancement.

problem: using THAT too much.

My explanation: I have notice this entry and few other entries that you use "THAT" a lot.

In speech~using THAT is okay. But just be careful because the listener might be confuse.

In writing~using THAT too much is assuming the reader is standing next to you and knows what THAT is. I used to have the same problem and still kinda do.