(213 I would like you to correct me if there are mistakes. Thanks!
The old man had not opened his mouth even until then. He simply stood still as if he engraved that moment in his mind forever. That memory would have to be alive in his mind at least until tomorrow morning. Just by that moment he had to hike through the frigid weather to come here again.
Please help me make my writing read naturally.
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Corrections · 6
2
(213 I would like you to correct me if there are mistakes. Thanks!
The old man had not opened his mouth even until then. He simply stood still as if he engraved that moment in his mind forever (in order to make this more natural, you may want to reword this by saying something like '...stood still, wishing he could engrave...' or '...stood still, hoping he could preserve...'. You can better communicate the connection between the man standing still and his feelings about this moment with these words rather than 'as if'). That memory would have to be alive in his mind at least until tomorrow morning. Just (encouraged or some synonyms for encouraged would sound better) by that moment he had to (obviously, he is not hiking because he is encouraged! You should show that he is using the encouragement to hike through the weather, that he is gaining strength from it. I would say something like '...he had to gain strength/determination/energy...) to hike through the frigid weather to come here again.
Please help me make my writing read naturally.
Good work! Sorry I missed this entry earlier, or I would have corrected it then. :) I'm looking forward to the next part of this story.
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Hello, Anna M. I usually post my writings with each number little by little everyday because I don't want to bother the correcter like you. So, if you want to read all my writings, I would like you to come my page and click "Notebook." That's really thoughtful of you! Thanks!^ ^
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Is it possible to post this story in longer segments? The parts are so short, it lacks context. So it's hard to give advice on the right way to say things. (It's harder to tell what you meant since the context is missing)
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