English essay

This is my homework work of for university. The topic is Japan's aging population. Also this is research paragraph. (What is research paragraph??)
Please edit any grammar mistakes.

To furthermore investigate the topic of the pensionS, this paragraph essay focuses on qualitative interviews. I think that the problem of pensions (YOU NEED A SENTENCE TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE PROBLEM OF PENSIONS IS) is caused by Japan’s aging population.

Therefore, To gather people’s opinions about Japan’s aging population, I inquir asked five people about this question : Would you describe what is the most most important source of Japan’s aging population? Then I created two categories for the responses : great improvement of medical treatments and or falling birthrate. By “great improvement of medical”, I mean that compared to the previous medical care in Japan, current Japanese medical has been developed. By “falling birthrate”, I am referring to low birth rate of children which will promote aging population.

Three people responded with great improvement of medical treatment. They remarked that there were diseases that could not be cured before, but recently that can be now and many lives have been saved by advances in medical technology in Japan. Say in other words, One of the causes of aging population in Japan, that related to better medical technology of the highest level in the world, it  has also says led to the highest life expectancy in the world.

On the other hand, two people responded with falling birth rate. According to them, by the number of children has been decreased by as a result of falling birthrate, so it is impossible to balance of the number of children and the elderly. So, most people have the illusion(???Do they?) that aging population is progressing, because the number of elderly people is greater than the number of children.

From these results, aging is caused by a variety of factors. Therefore, in order to solve the problem of aging, it is necessary to solve the fundamental problem (OK - SO WHAT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM?). Furthermore, among the people I interviewed, majority believe that there are the Japanese system that often focuses on the elderly, so it is necessary to provide the system (WHAT SYSTEM?) for children.

I think I understand the points you are trying to make. But you need greater familiarity with simple vocab and you need to make sure the points you are making are logical and simply stated. Try to keep your sentences short and remember that they must have subject object and verb - unlike Japanese where objects and subjects can often disappear. 

English essay

This is my homework of university. The topic is Japan's aging population. Also this is research paragraph.
Please edit any grammar mistakes.

To furthermore investigate the topic of the pension, this paragraph focuses on qualitative interviews. I think that the problem of pension is caused by Japan’s aging population. Therefore, to gather people’s opinions about Japan’s aging population, I asked five people this question: Could you describe the source of Japan’s aging population? Then I presented them two answers for the question: great improvement in Japans medical care or falling birth-rate. By “great improvement in Japans medical care”, I mean that compared to the previous medical care in Japan, current Japanese medical care has been developed. By “falling birth-rate”, I am referring to low birth rate of children which will promote aging population. Three people responded with great improvement in Japans medical care. They remarked that there was a disease that could not be cured before, but recently, many lives have been saved by advances in medical technology in Japan. So in other words, one of the causes of aging population in Japan, is the improved medical care in Japan which is starting to become one of the most advanced countries in medical care, Japan also has the highest life expectancy rates in the world. On the other hand, two people responded with falling birth rate. According to them, because the number of children has been decreased due to a falling birth-rate, it is impossible to balance of the number of children and the elderly. So, most people are under the illusion that aging population is progressing, because the number of elderly people is greater than the number of children. From these results, I can tell aging is caused by a variety of factors. Therefore, in order to solve the problem of aging, it is necessary to solve the fundamental problem. Furthermore, among the people I interviewed, the majority of them believe that there are the Japanese medical care system often focuses on the elderly, so it is necessary to provide the system for children as well as the elderly.