IELTS Essay #2 Financial Education - compulsory or not ?

It's my second essay :)

Task : Financial education should be a compulsory part of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?



Nowadays our sociaty is heavily dependant dependent on money and the question of teaching “Finance” in schools is extremely contraversial controversial. Some people do agree with bringing in the new subject, some people do not.

The disagreed part of our population who disagree thinks think that modern children already have plenty of subjects to learn. The idea is not worth overwhelming kid’s brains with a such a complicated theory subject. In addition to this these pupils should not worry about money as it can cause inequality between the poor and the rich (better in the order- the rich and the poor). Furthermore, there is a risk that children will not have a real childhood, making relations between them commercial and being making them obsessed about with money all the time.

On the other hand, a lot of parents believe that financial education can provoke our kids into thinking ahead, and about their future. It forms a special way of thinking, and develops business acumen. Moreover, the new subject can could help children to understand how to manage finances efficiently and to know the cost of money.

As for me, I truly believe that financial education is quite important for the young generation, but it should not be very deep or sophisticated. I support the point of view that every school must provide some basic financial education.

Hi Max,

A good 2nd essay ever! Well done. A few spelling mistakes, so memorise the correct spelling of them (dependant and dependent are 2 different words with different meanings). Spelling mistakes cost you marks in the IELTS.

"Children" is a better word to use than "kids". Kids is very informal.

I had some problems with finding alternative words for :

-to think
-people
-subject
-important
-but
-that
-financial education
-for superlatives as well (extremely, very, vitally)

We can go through this in class if you like.

Also the length is 197 works (if i counted correct). I ran out of my imagination to write more ..
Also i repeated a lot of words such as : that. people, think, believe, financial education.

How to cope with this?

Yes, it was 53 words short. I'm surprised as you've been able to speak at length on any topic I have given you

The repeating words isn't a problem. When I read it it didn't sound like they were repeated too much.

You are talking about "people, your thoughts & beliefs and financial education" in the essay so you need to keep using these words. 

A good tool for finding synonyms (different words that have the same meaning ), which you can use to widen your vocabulary is a "thesaurus". There is a good one at www.thesaurus.com