IELTS writting

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

It is quite common these days that for young people in some countries to have a break after graduating from the(1) high school. The trend is not restricted(2) to the rich students who can spend money to travel, but also for the poorer students who can choose to work and become economically financially independent for a period of time.

*1- When you use <the>, it usually means that there is only one known type. Eg, "I go to THE school in China" means that there is only ONE school in China.

*2- <Restricted> is used in the past tense because the trend has existed long before this article was written.

The reason for this trend may relate with to the recognition that young people who passes transition directly from school to university is are(3) rather restricted in terms of general knowledge and social experience of the social(4). So, Those who spent time or money on(5) earning a living and travelling to other places would have gained valuable experiences in life  a wider horizon of life and the precious personal resources.(6) They tend to be more independent, which is an important factor a necessary trait for academic study. At the same time, it seems that they are more experienced to solve the problems of deal with personal relationships.

*3- <are> is used instead of <is> because you are talking about a GROUP/GENERATION of young people. Also, your article is being written in the past tense, so you have to stick with past tense.

*4- <Experience of the social> does not make any sense. Not a valid expression.

*5- It sounds weird if you say they are spending time and MONEY to earn a living since it implies that they are spending money to earn money. You can just mention TIME to make it simple.

*6- The whole expression does not make much sense.

However, there are certainly dangers in doing these things at that important age. First, the young adults are lack of the awareness of protecting themselves from bad influences(7). Second, they will may/might(8) lose themselves in the(1) travelling or playing, making it is difficult to returning to their studies or harder to re-adapt to the academic environment(9). Sometimes, students may think getting the social experience is more useful than the an academic qualification.(10) Giving up on their studies altogether.

*7- Too vague, it would be a good idea to state what they need to protect themselves from.

*8- Using <will> means that it is 100% that they will definitely lose themselves. 一定会发生的

*9- Not wrong, but <difficulty in returning to their studies> and <harder to re-adapt to the academic environment> is the same thing. [repetition!]

*10- Good sentence, but it will be better if you can connect it by saying why it is a bad thing for them to think so

In my opinion, the young people should be encouraged to broadern their horizons and views. And(11) Students can then(12) get a clear perspective of what they are hoping to do in the future. Those who has have benefited from their experiences such prospective(13) can choose the(1) their(14) right major when they enter the University.

*11- Never, ever start a sentence with <and>

*12- <then> is used here because they do something different after their one year break.

*13- Wrong use of word / 用词不当.

*14- Everyone has a different "right" major. If you want to use <the>, then you can say <choose the right major for themselves>