Could you please help me correct my description ，thank you very much! As is shown above,in the left picture,a man has putted "BECKHAM" on his face,while in the right drawing,another man is doing a "

Could you please help me correct my description? Thank you very much!

~~As is shown above~~, In the left picture, a man has ~~putted~~ "BECKHAM" written on his face, and ~~while~~ in the right photo ~~drawing~~, another man is having his hair cut in ~~doing~~ a "BECKHAM" ~~hair~~style ~~similarly~~. Undoubtedly, the author is calling attention to the a prevalent social phenomenon of the worship to an idol. 44 46

Yellow/strike: Corrections

Green: Notes

Notes:

You should always put a space after (but not before) punctuation.
Your instructions were to write 160-200 words, but at present you have 46. If you use all my corrections, you end up with 44. An essay is intended to be a long answer, and in the normal meaning of the word 160-200 is incredibly short. If you see this word prepare for a long, detailed answer. Assume you've done something wrong and go back if your answer seems short.

Corrections:

You always want a question mark after a question.
Your answer is clearly talking about the picture, you should only say this when you're referencing a picture that hasn't already been mentioned, like in a text book.
"Putted" both does not belong in this context and is not the correct past tense of the word put. Put is the past tense of put. "Written" fits here, but that's not the past tense of write, it's past participle. If you put it before the quote you're saying the man wrote it there, so if you don't know if he did you should put it on the other side of the quote.
"While" implies there is a difference you're about to take special note of. You could also put a period her and avoid conjunctions all together.
"Drawing" is a word only used for pictures that have been drawn, not painted or photographed. In this case the picture is a photograph as it was taken from real life with a camera rather than having been created. Photo is a shortening of the word photograph, but it is not informal.
The man is not cutting his own hair or the hair of another, so in informal writing we would say "getting his hair cut," but in formal writing you cannot use the word "get", so sometimes you have to be a little creative as I have shown above. All the corrections in that area turn it into, "... another man is having his hair cut into a "BECKHAM" style."
If this is informal writing you can simply change the "doing" to "getting", but in this case to avoid using the word "get" I specified hair beforehand, so "hairstyle" has to be changed to just "style".
I can't judge on any of the information in your paragraph, but if you want to add "similarly" in, it would work best if you put a period at the end of the first clause about the picture on the left, removed the conjunction (while/and), and put it there instead.
"Artist" is almost always a word specifying those who create visual art and this excludes photography. Were it just the photography you would say "photographer", but there is text below and it is presumed that this is part of an article or book that someone wrote to make a point. An author of something is the person who wrote whatever piece of literature you're referring to, so in this case you have to use "author".
If you are referring to the phenomenon as a whole (which you have to be if you're specifying which phenomenon) then you have to use "the". "A" only works for nonspecific nouns.

Corrections · 2

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