Search from various English teachers...
Egypt flagMohamed Qatari
I need help with this paragraph please. I tend to write a long and complex sentences that usually lead to many mistakes, any advice on how to write better complex sentence mistake-free? and what do you think about those sentences? Whereas 80 percent of domestic students achieve second class degree or higher in Art History, only almost 70 percent of foreigner student achieve the same result. Similarly, in English literature, more than 70 percent of national students achieve second class or higher degree in contrast with international students, which less than 60 percent did so. On the other hand, 80 percent and 85 percent of international students and almost 60 percent of UK students score second degree or higher in both Electrical Engineering and Information Technology respectively. Finally, the percentage of national and international students scored second-degree class or higher was almost the same, they both scored 74 percent, 60 percent, and about 78 percent in Nursing, Accountancy, and Sociology respectively.

Corrections · 2

0

When I need to convey a lot of information I tend to break up things up into smaller pieces. Your paragraph is conveying three things, that UK students do better in some topics, while international students do better in others, and in some cases they achieve similar results. Since there are three points you want to make I would suggest a separate paragraph for each. Also, I would avoid repeating information like "second class or higher degree" so often. The reader knows what you are comparing by the middle of the first sentence so you can use a more compact word to reference that from then on. Finally, follow the same pattern when presenting data. Your paragraph begins by describing domestic students first and international students next, but by the second sentence you have switch them around so now we're learning about international students first. You switch again when we get to the next sentence. This is unnecessary. Finally, don't separate data from it's label in your last sentence. For example, Nursing and 74% should be beside each other so people don't have to look back and forth to try and attach the correct number to the correct label. Also, make things more compact by using symbols when you can instead of words. 80% is easier to read then 80 percent.


So with that in mind I would write your paragraph like this...


Whereas 80% of domestic students achieve a second class degree or higher in Art History, only almost 70% of foreign student achieve the same result. A similar trend appears for English Literature, 70% of national students versus 60% of international students.


On the other hand, only 60% of domestic students achieve degrees in Electrical Engineering and Information Technology compared to 80% and higher for international students.


However, only a slight differences in achievement occurs in Sociology (80% national versus 75% international) , while it disappear entirely for Nursing (75% in both groups) and Accountancy (60%).

0
I tend to write long and complex sentences that usually leads to many mistakes. Any advice on how to write better and more complex sentences error free? What do you think about these sentences? Caution when using the word 'respectively'.

Whereas 80 percent of domestic students achieved second class degree or higher in Art History, only 70 percent of foreign students achieved the same results. Similarly, in English literature, more than 70 percent of national students achieved second class or higher degree in contrast to international students, who received only 60 percent. On the other hand, 80 percent and 85 percent (pick one, 80 or 85 percent) of international students and almost 60 percent of UK students scored second degree or higher in both Electrical Engineering and Information Technology. Further, the percentage of national and international students who scored second degree class or higher was comparable, as they scored 74 percent and 60 percent respectively. Finally, the scores for Nursing, Accountancy, and Sociology were 78 percent.

Want to progress faster?

Join this learning community and try out free exercises!

Don’t miss out on the opportunity to learn a language from the comfort of your own home. Browse our selection of experienced language tutors and enroll in your first lesson now!

Start Learning Today