How We Should Live In Our Society
In Japan, the government plans to revolutionize the education system.
The new system will put more emphasis on English and computer programming starting from the third grade in elementary school.
There are also plans to implement different English examinations, like IELTS, TOEFL, etc, that will be required for university admission.
Although these efforts are vital to Japanese society, I think the government has to tackle with other problems.
We have to think about the improvement of the work environment.
Japanese companies force laborers to work for long periods of time and they tend not to pay for the work.
Although more recent companies try to improve work settings, I do not regard Japanese companies as good work environments.
I do not agree with the kind of lifestyle because I believe that balance is the most essential component of healthy life.
We need to spend more of our time with family and friends doing things like going to the beach, climbing mountains. We should not spend all our time working.
Japan is a developed country; the government should give more consideration to the quality of life of its citizens.
I updated this essay based on the advice of John Smith.
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Corrections · 6
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How We Should Live In Our Society
In Japan, the government plans to revolutionize the education system.The new system will put more emphasis on English and computer programming starting from the third grade in elementary school.
There are also plans to implement different English exams, like the IELTS, TOEFL, etc, that will be required for university admission.
Although these efforts are vital to Japanese society, I think the government has other problems to tackle.
We have to think about the improvement of our work environment.
Japanese companies force laborers to work for long periods of time and they tend not to pay for the work.
Although more recent companies are trying to improve work settings, I do not regard Japanese companies as having the best work environments.
I do not agree with this kind of lifestyle because I believe that balance is the most essential component of a healthy life.
We need to spend more of our time with family and friends doing things like going to the beach, climbing mountains. We should not spend all our time working.
Japan is a developed country; the government should give more consideration to the quality of life of its citizens.
I updated this essay based on the advice of John Smith.
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How We Should Live In Our Society
In Japan, the government plans to revolutionize Japanese (you just said "in Japan"; the reader knows you're talking about Japan, so don't repeat yourself) the education systems.It pays attention to The new system will put more emphasis on English and computer (you don't have to put "computer" here, but it was a bit unclear what kind of programming you were referring to) programming and is going to introduce classes in elementary school from 3rd-grade students. starting from the third grade. (the sentence sounded weird but I didn't know how to fix it so I created a new one for you instead)
It also has the There are also plans to implement different English examinations, such as like ("such as" is okay, but "like" sounds better to me) IELTS, TOEFL, etc and so on, to enter an that will be required for univerisity admission,
Although these efforts are vital to Japanese society, I think the Japanese have what we have to tackle with. (This sentence isn't grammatically wrong, but I have no idea what the second clause is supposed to mean)
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We have to think about the improvement of the work environment.
Japanese companies force laborers (as a Canadian, I would spell it "labourers", but I'm going to use laborer instead because I assume you're using the American spelling) to work for a long time long periods of time and they tend not to pay for the work.
Although more recent companies try to improve work settings, I do not regard the Japanese companyies as the good work environments. (When you're talking about a general subject like "languages", "politics", or "Japanese companies", you don't use the definite article).
I do not agree with these kinds of lifestyles this kind of lifestyle because I believe that the balance (don't use the definite article with general subjects) is the most essential point to lead a life. component of a healthy life
We need to spend a lot of more of our time with family and friends doing things such as like going to sea the beach, (when you say "going to sea", it sounds like you're going on a marine expedition) climbing a mountains. not only (I feel like that sentence was extending too much so I ended it) We should not spend all our time working.
If (it's not a question of "if"; Japan IS a developed country) Japan is a developed country; the government should give more considertion to the quality of life of its citizens.
The things I marked in green are things that are more or less okay to say but sound weird or unnatural.
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Thank you so much.
I learned many things from you.
Your corrections are pretty clear!
I keep on studying English!
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Hi Yuya,
I had to split my correction into two parts because sometimes italki doesn't let me post the entire thing. I tried to make it comprehensive and I hope you learn a lot from it. Good luck on your adventures in the English language!
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