Have you ever felt it? ( chapter 1 )

And it does not let me remember anything.

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Yesica, I am going to stop at this part.  I am super slow when I write corrections.  I should leave home now to do some errands.  I will correct the rest of this notebook writing later today.

* It can also be correct to use commas instead of dashes, but I suggest using dashes because they make it easier to see where is the beginning and end of this "interruption" to the main part of the sentence.  Because there were also two commas inside the "interruption" part, I think so many commas made it somewhat difficult for the reader to follow the twists and turns of the sentence.  Maybe dashes aren't used in Spanish the same way they are in English?   I know that in Spanish dashes are used to show where dialogue ends and begins...so maybe dashes can't be used to make a phrase in a sentence separate to add emphasis or to simply make the sentence easier to read?  I happen to be a fan of dashes, so I hope you don't mind if I suggest using them sometimes  :-)

Please feel free to ask me questions about the suggestions I have made.

• Have you ever felt it? ( chapter 1 )

  Have you ever felt it? That feeling that you are falling in free fall.
  I don't know if I fell or if someone pushed me, I only know that I am falling.
  How did all this start? I don't know. If nobody remember it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't  have a beginning, it certainly has!, it's just that the cumulation of years and empty experiences have accumulated like the dust specks in a corner. and they do not allow me to remember.
  
  And the corner in which that pile of dust is accumulated is my brain, that gray and slimy organ that is supposed to help me protect, filter and organize information is atrophied and confused by all that dust.
  
  And it does not let me remember anything.
  
  And here I am at 12:21 a.m sitting on my bed in the dark listening to the bustle of the streets and the snoring of the neighbor that filters through the walls.
  
  Another night trying to remember when I started to fall in free fall.
  
  I have never done skydiving or anything similar, however every day at sunset, and when I turn off the lights and say good night, I have the feeling that I throw myself of a 5000 meter high cliff, without a parachute.
  Nothing to stop me, nothing to save me and even so, the fall does not reach its end.
  
  And after many sleepless nights with the swinging inconclusive comes and going conclusions and advice never taken I have realized that tonight I will not have the answer either.
  
  And if I did not fall? And if they did not push me? And if I actually stumbled? When was it? And if I'm not falling and I'm really rising either?, These and many more questions are in my head. I do not know why I only ask questions without answers, they appear out of nowhere it's as if I attracted them like honey to bees.
  
  And that buzz that I can not stop listening to, irritating, annoying and at the same time so familiar.
  
  If that buzzing gets louder, my brain will explode, and as if lightning had strike through me, I feel pain.
  I open my eyes, why do I open my eyes? if I heaved them open, when did I close them? I notice  I am soaked in the middle of nowhere in a puddle of water. I try to get up and finally locate the source of the pain. And then as if a waterfall cascades down on me, I remember everything!
  
  I'm not at home.
  
  Nor was I at home.
  
  And I'm not in a puddle of water.
  
  To be continue …

  Your wrote an interesting but very intriguing story. You leave us in suspense. Keep writing.

  
  

Part 3 of the Corrections for Chapter 1

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And that buzz that I can not stop listening to, irritating, annoying and at the same time so familiar.

That buzzing gets louder, my brain will explode, and as if a lightning strike passed through me, I feel pain.

I open my eyes -- why do I open my eyes?  If I haved (have? or had?) them open, when did I close them?  ***** I see around me, I am in the middle of nowhere in a puddle of water, soaked. I try to get up and finally locate the source of the pain. And then, as if a waterfall cascades (or "has cascaded") down on me, I remember everything!

I'm not at home.
Was not at home.   
And I'm not in a puddle of water.

To be continued …


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*****  I'm a little confused here during these sentence about the opening and closing of the eyes.   Would it help to start with, "I blink my eyes" or "My eyes flutter" ?

Yesica, please let me know if any of my suggestions do not match the meaning that you intended to write.  I will be glad to help you figure out yet another way to write any part that you think still needs some help.  And if you want to tell me in Spanish, I will understand (either with or without the assistance of a dictionary  :-)

Your style of writing is very effective at conveying emotion.   I think you really let the reader feel like they are experiencing the thoughts and sensations that you are describing.   It is a somber piece of writing...and a very well done one.

Part 2 of the Corrections for Chapter 1

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And here I am at 12:21 a.m., sitting on my bed in the dark, listening to the bustle of the streets and the snoring of the neighbor that filters through the walls.  (another option: "and the neighbor's snoring that filters through the wall" or "and the ______ of the neighbor's snores as they filter through the walls"...you could fill in the blank with a word that describes the sound or some other aspect of the snoring, such as: rumble, rattle, wheeze, rhythm...).

Another night trying to remember when I started to fall in free fall.

I have never done skydiving or anything similar.   However, every day at fall the sun (suggestions: "when the sun falls", "as the sun falls", "when the sun disappears", "at sunset") and when I turn off the lights and say good night, I have the feeling that I am throwing myself off from a height of 5000 meters high, without a parachute.
Nothing to stop me, nothing to save me and even so the fall does not reach its end.

And after many sleepless nights and to come and go in a swing of inconclusive conclusions **  and advice never taken, I have realized that tonight I will not have the answer either.

And if I did not fall? And if they did not push me? And if I actually stumbled? When it was was it? *** And if I'm not falling and I'm really going up? These and many more questions are in my head, I do not know why.  I only ask questions without answers -- they appear out of nowhere it's  as if I attracted them like honey to bees (I think this should be "like bees to honey".  Or maybe you like it reversed, since everything feels confused?)    ****

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**  I am not sure what to suggest here because I do not know what you mean by "swing inconclusive conclusions."  One idea: "After many sleepless nights come and go like a pendulum of inconclusive conclusions..."  If you want to explain your meaning more (in Spanish or in English), I can try to help you express your idea.

*** With each of these questions that begin with "If" it is also an option to begin with "What if" (What if I did not fall?  What if they did not push me?  What if I actually stumbled?).  I think it is optional for the first three "if" questions (the way you wrote it sounds fine, so it just depends on what sounds best to you).  However, I think that the fourth "If" question would be easier to understand if it began, "And what if I'm not falling..."    Another possibility would be to combine these two sentences into one:  "And if I actually stumbled, when was it?"    Anyway, these are just some ideas...you can try reading things out loud in the different ways and see what sounds best to you.

****  If you want to keep the word "it's", you can -- but you would need to start a new sentence right before "it's" (or put a semicolon ; there)