Search from various English teachers...
Russia flagRoman
Storytime: The swallow (trying to put some C1 vocab into practise, I created such a kind of fiction) Scorching heat escaped the Navias Delta a couple of hours ago, bestowing unbroken sunshine and light wind as a gift for all dwellers of the Bald Banks. The sky was turning gold as the sunset was drawing nearer. A lonely cloud was sleeping in the lofty heavens, motionless in its most idle manner, for it had no aim to flow anywhere else. White butterflies were having the time of their evanescent lives on the sandy shore, soaking up the sunshine, field mice were restlessly running around, hiding cereals into their clandestine storage, a swallow was teaching her offspring how to fly high. The birds were surfing in the air up and down, demonstrating their maneuvers to the sleepy sun. Yet to waken was the cloud and it did not like the birds' jocund play. The only thing it ached for was to forget about the annoying air-divers. Grumbling in hatred it began to swell. The lethargic yellow round noticed the unexpected guest's endeavor, but was too weak to cease its growth. Suddenly, gale-force winds hit, whistling among the trees. It was the cloud which had summoned them. And being doomed to surrender, the winds called it 'the darkness', for it had covered the sky with a nebulous gloomy blanket. The swallow was crying and sobbing in order to alert her kin. In vain! As the winds were picking up, she had no chance to be heard - her chants were muffled by rumbles of thunder. She swooped low to the river, which had burst its banks, spread her wings and soared up into the blackness. It was pouring with driving rain. Although heavy drops were striking the bird, she had no determination, but to defeat the darkness in her last fight. Higher and higher, up to the very zenith, up to the very edge did she fly. Dashing through the cloud, she decided to look back at her shady haunt, catching a glimpse of the familiar trees and brooks to which she had become so attached. It was the last thing she saw, for she was soon covered with dense, suffocating fog. And then the endless clap of thunder blared out, and the blinding flash of lightning struck.

Corrections · 3

1

Storytime: The swallow (trying to put some C1 vocab into practise, I created such a kind of fiction)

Scorching heat escaped the Navias Delta a couple of hours ago, bestowing unbroken sunshine and light wind as a gift for all dwellers of the Bald Banks. The sky was turning gold as the sunset was drawing nearer. A lonely cloud was sleeping in the lofty heavens, motionless in its most idle manner, for it had no aim to flow anywhere else.
White butterflies were having the time of their evanescent lives on the sandy shore, soaking up the sunshine;, field mice were restlessly running around, hiding cereals into their clandestine storages*; a swallow was teaching her offspring how to fly high.
The birds were surfing in the air up and down, demonstrating their maneuvers to the sleepy sun.
Yet to waken was the cloud and it did not like the birds' jocund play. The only thing it ached for was to forget about the annoying air-divers. Grumbling in hatred it began to swell. The lethargic yellow round noticed the unexpected guest's endeavor, but was too weak to cease its growth. Suddenly, gale-force winds hit, whistling among the trees. It was the cloud which had summoned them. And being doomed to surrender, the winds called it 'the darkness', for it had covered the sky with a nebulous gloomy blanket.
The swallow was crying and sobbing in order to alert her kin. In vain! As the winds were picking up, she had no chance to be heard - her chants were muffled by rumbles of thunder. She swooped low to the river, which had burst its banks, spread her wings and soared up into the blackness.
It was pouring with driving rain. Although heavy drops were striking the bird, she had no determination, but to defeat the darkness in her last fight. Higher and higher, up to the very zenith, up to the very edge did she fly. Dashing through the cloud, she decided to look back at her shady haunt, catching the a glimpse of such the** familiar trees and brooks which she had become so attached to***. It was the last thing she could see saw, for she was soon covered with dense, suffocating vapour****. And***** then the endless clap of thunder blared out, and the blinding flash of lightning stroke struck.


This is amazing.  I wish I could write something like this, in any language!



1

*"storage" is uncountable and so (usually) never written in plural (like "water").

**"such" is used differently.  e.g. "such trees as she had become attached to".  However, I think it sounds better here to say "the... which".  An example of using 'such': "Charles Dickens is a famous author, having written such works as "A Tale of Two Cities" and "Oliver Twist" The second part of the sentence explains the first part.  In your text, you are not explaining something before.  So I think it is better to use "the... which", not "such... as"

***In formal writing, you should not end a sentence with a preposition (i.e. do not end a sentence with "to").  Better to say: "trees and brooks to which she had become so attached".  In everyday speech (or informal emails), this can sound a little too formal, so most people say it as you have written.  I suggest you change this.

****In American English "vapor" (in British English, "vapour").  The rest of your text is in American English, so you should be consistent.  "Vapour" usually refers to a smoke, or a toxic chemical - not rain or clouds.  I would better use the word "fog" here.

*****In formal writing, you should not start a sentence with "And".  However, in literature, it is allowed to break the "rules", in order to have a nice style, so you will often see a sentence start with "And".  I think your sentence sounds great, and you should not change it.  (If you are writing a science paper, for example, you should not start a sentence with "And".  Instead, you could say "Furthermore," or "In addition," etc)

Want to progress faster?

Join this learning community and try out free exercises!

Don’t miss out on the opportunity to learn a language from the comfort of your own home. Browse our selection of experienced language tutors and enroll in your first lesson now!

Start Learning Today