Easy breeze...
It was a beautiful sunset. The skies were blazing like fire and the sun was like a half of a big cut water-melon. I was staying on the pier and watching as sea eats this big red ripe berry. Easy breeze was caressing my hair, mews were shouting, trying to catch bites of bread which I was throwing at them. I remember what I was thinking about... It was a voice... it wasn't a loud voice... It was an ingratiating whisper, which I heard in my mind. He asked me to come with it. It told me about other world, wonderful world, which haven't any lies and disappointments, where I may always be happy... Where everybody may to be healthy and to have what he/she wants. It was really amazing offer and I accepted it...
I took a step... Lean over handrails... And dashed off the down... I was starting to submerge in sea water...I felt how it was filling my throat and lungs, how it was tearing up my lungs... I still feel it . Then my eyes saw sunset for the last time and closed forever. I even didn't resist. I wanted to see the world of my dream which I wished to reach as soon as I will be able...
Now I am here again but not like human, I am just an easy breeze, caressing girl's hair and whispering them about wonderful world of their dream...
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Corrections · 6
1
Easy breeze...
It was a beautiful sunset. The skies were blazing like fire and the sun was like a half of a big cut watermelon. I stayed on the pier and watched as the sea ate the big, red, ripe berry. An easy breeze was caressing my hair, mews were shouting, trying to catch bites of bread which I was throwing at them. I remember what I was thinking about... It was a voice... it wasn't a loud voice... It was an ingratiating whisper, which I heard in my mind. It asked me to come with it. It told me about another world, a wonderful world, which doesn't have any lies and disappointments, where I may always be happy... Where everybody could be healthy and to have what he/she wants. It was really amazing offer and I accepted it...
I took a step... Lean over handrails... And dashed off the down... I was submerged in sea water...I felt how it filled my throat and lungs, how it tore up my lungs... I still feel it . Then my eyes saw sunset for the last time and closed forever. I even didn't resist. I wanted to see the world of my dream which I wished to reach as soon as I could...
Now I am here again but not like human, I am just an easy breeze, caressing a girl's hair and whispering them about a wonderful world of their dream...
Yellow = grammar or spelling mistake
Teal = changed to sound like a native speaker
Lavender = meaning unclear
0
Easy breeze...
It was a beautiful sunset. The sky was ablaze with fiery colours , and the sun had the shape of a big watermelon cut in half. I was standing on a pier watching the horizon eating up this ripe big red berry. Easy breeze was caressing my hair, and seagulls were squawking as they fought among themselves over the crumps of bread that I was throwing out for them. I remember what I was thinking about... It was a voice... it wasn't a loud voice... It was an ingratiating whisper that I had heard in my mind. The voice asked me to go with him. It told me about another world, a wonderful world where there are no lies and disappointments, where I will always be happy... a place where everybody will be healthy and can have whatever they desire. It was really an amazing proposition: I accepted it.
I took a step forward... lean over the handrails... climb over it... and jumped off the pier. Soon, I was slowly submerged by the sea water...I could feel the water was getting into my throat and filling my lungs; how it felt like at bursting point ... I can still remember those feelings. Then, after catching sight of the sunset for the last time , my eyes were closed forever. I didn't even resist. I had wanted to see the world of my dream, a place that I had hoped to reach as soon as I possibly could.
Now, I am still present but not in the form of a human; I am just an easy breeze, the same as one before that had caressed my hair and whispered to me about wonderful world of dreams...
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