Corrections · 3
I'm a new user of italki and this is my first notebook.
The concept of equal rights regardless of vocation, race and sex has long been advocated and valued. There are some people who propose that universities should enroll equal proportions of male and female students on all degree courses, which I think, is completely (inapplicable? unacceptable?).This proposal is meant to close the gender gap in terms of accessibility to university places. Despite its good ends, a draconian and rigid imposition of a 50/50 balance in a selection procedure based on gender is likely to undermine (but/not?) benefit gender equality. For example, some university subjects which are traditionally dominated by males, such as engineering and computer science would be barred to a competitive male applicant since a certain number of places were already reserved for female students. This would therefore result in unfair competition among candidates in both sexes which reflects gender inequality in essence.
In addition, this proposal is simply unrealistic to enforce in practice. Due to the instinctive traits of each gender, some university courses tend to enjoy greater popularity among one gender than the other. For instance, the liberal arts (e.g.literature) would attract more female students. In this case, applications from the opposite sex would be underrepresented. Therefore universities would have a limited range of choice to male applicants and find it difficult to fill those courses with equal proportions.
In my opinion, The (turely/only?) feasible way to ensure that men and women have equal educational opportunities in matriculation lies in basing the selection of college students on qualifications such as academic performance and grades achieved at school.
In conclusion, having the same number of men and women on all degree courses is unfair and impractical. And what universities are supposed to do is to concentrate on qualifications when selecting applicants.
In conclusion, having the same number of men and women in all degree courses is unfair and impractical. And (try to avoid starting sentences with coordinating conjunctions such as,"and") what universities are supposed to do is to concentrate on qualifications when selecting applicants. (try "the true emphasis of universities when selecting applicant should be the applicant's academic, athletic and extracurricular merits.")
I noticed you are forgetting to do a space after a comma. Also, remember to do a space after a period.
Good job overall. You had good complex diction. I am not sure what kind of writing piece this is; if it is an academic argumentative paper or a more personal musing, but good job. You are obviously an advanced English learner. Sadly, I have read many pieces of writing written by natives who cannot write as well as you do. You made some ogood points. Just remember to take a little break and view your piece from a reader's point of view (maybe read it out loud) to fill in gaps in logic, catch errors, etc. Always give detailed support and explanations for your claims. As you become more advanced in argumentative writing, people typically stop using paragraph beginners like "in addition" or "in conclusion". However, I am quite impressed overall by your writing. Great job!
I'm a new user of italki and this is my first notebook.
The concept of equal rights regardless of vocation, race and sex has long been advocated and valued. There are some people who proposes that universities should enroll equivalent proportions of male and female students on all degree courses, which I think, is completely inapplicable. ("inapplicable" is a bit vague. Also, if this is an academic paper, refrain from statements such as, "I think" or "in my opinion" and generally avoid the pronoun,"I". When writing an academic paper, you are supposed to be the expert, so sound confident :) )This proposal is meant to close the gender gap in terms of accessibility to university places. Despite its good ends, a draconian and rigid imposition of a 50/50 balance in selection procedure based on gender is likely to undermine but benefit (are contradictory and do not make sense in this sentence logistically. Rethink what you are trying to say or try to elaborate upon this statement. If you are to keep this statement, add "also" between "but" and "benefit") gender equality. For example, a certain number of university subjects which that are traditionally dominated by males, such as, engineering and computer science, would be barred to a competitive male applicant since a certain number of class allotments were reserved for female students. This would therefore (would sound better without "therefore") result in unfair competition among candidates in both sexes, which reflects gender inequality in essence.
In addition, this proposal is simply unrealistic to enforce in practice. Due to the instinctive traits of each gender, some university courses tend to enjoy greater popularity among one gender than the other. For instance, those ("those" is too specific. Use "the") liberal art specialties (e.g. literature) would attract more female students than male students,. (the sentence ends here) In this case, applications from the opposite sex would be relatively inadequate ("inadequate" is vague. Please elaborate. Also, I suggest addressing the competition as you did for engineering for men) Therefore, universities would have a limited range of choices in male applicants and would find it difficult to fill those courses with equal proportions.
In my opinion, (same as before, if this is an academic paper, you can leave out "in my opinion") tThe truely feasible way to ensure that men and women have equal educational opportunities towards admission to university may lies in basing the selection of college students on qualifications such as academic performance and grades achieved at school (add "instead of a 50/50 gender quota" or something along the lines so you are stating an argumentative thesis versus an already established thought that "college admittance should be based upon merit").
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