I disagree with the statement that young people have no important influence that determine the future of our society as a whole for following reasons. First(ly)*1, young people can learn new knowledge much faster than the elderly. This*2 new knowledge and(/or) new technology would make our society better and also let us being/feel more comfortable in our living space. Those*3(/Such new knowledge and now technology)*2 have much influence on the society we live in and thus we would have different policies for our newly(/coming)*4 society. Therefore, we will eventually need young people to make our society being better. 

Secondly, the elderly would eventually retire and leave their positions in the society. Young people would replace*5 them with their positions and (would) make (the) important decisions about our society. It means that every pace we take(/move) would cause the movement of the whole society gradually whenafter entering theits society (gradually)*6. The newly technology and newly knowledge would let us being/feel more comfortable and also (would let us) make a better economics.

Last but not the least?*7 (/not all at least?), I think everyone in our society has the influence that determine the future of our society because we live together. We have the rights to make a changes and express our opinions to help develop our country. No one can ignore other's'*8 voice because we are the same as a citizen of our society. As a result*9In conclusion, I think young people have great influence on (determining the future of the society.) its important decisions and disagree with the statement. *10

Hello Claire, I corrected your notebook where I have noticed. And wrote the points below.

I think it was no bad originally. So please sort out what you need in it.

Happy if this helps.

"/" indicate that you can use the word instead.

*1 "First" is more often used. Both are right.

*2 It is important to quote what you have said before for reader's easier understanding.

*3 It is not clear what this "Those" indicates. It is better to write clearly.

*4 "newly" should be an adverb. Hope you could check.

*5 Be careful about the objective of "replace".

*6 It is not clear what this "gradually" modifies if being placed here.

*7 Please check if this phrase has the right meaning. 

*8 Please note that this "others" is usually used as plural form. And others’ is the notation of the plural possesive case.

*9 It is better to use "In conclusion" here. "As a result" is mainly used to explain "causal relationship".

*10 It is better to quote correctly from the writing of the question.