On wasting time I look without and I find supportive people around me, then I look within only to find my worst enemy. Sometimes I criticize myself harshly, especially when I waste time. Many could think wasting time is a normal issue, but for me it's a cause of distress. Everyday I have to follow a certain ritual of reading, watching documentaries about science or astronomy and resuming my online courses. And if I didn't perform this kind of ritual, my inner enemy starts to judge me, to belittle me, to torture me for not being worthy enough. I try to calm it, but this little monster starts to blame me for all the time I had wasted on depression and anxiety. Only when I do this ritual, I feel merited, I feel I can be something in the future.Sometimes I want to thank the little monster for pushing me further, other times I want to suppress it for pushing me too violently and mercilessly in times I feel vulnerable and forlorn. Doing this ritual keeps me distracted and far from being depressed again, that's why my little monster and I disdain idleness. "Take one day; share it into sections; to each section apportion its task: leave no stray unemployed quarters of an hour, ten minutes, five minutes- include all; do each piece of business in its turn with method with rigid regularity. The day will close almost before you are aware it has begun; and you are indebted to no one for helping you get rid of one vacant moment: you've to seek no one's company, conversation, sympathy, forbearance; you have lived, in short ,as an independent being ought to.'' Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte