Can you correct my essay?

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
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Establishing an interconnection between work and university studies have always been a controversial issue in recent years. Some places in the world persuade youths to take part in one-year-activities, like working and traveling experiences, immediately after finishing high school and before going to university. The advantages and disadvantages of this will be discussed here.

Some people believe that, encouraging young individuals to work, exactly after they have finished their high school, has some negative points. Firstly, young people at this age need more time to spend with their peers in order to have fun and enjoy their life. Secondly, if youth are encouraged to face harsh conditions of working environments, it may suppress their motivation for future. As a consequence, lack of inspiration will be affected their future life in universities.

However, it is commonly believed that, being a part of some extracurricular activities, such as work and travel, can have many positive points for young students in some aspects. Firstly, they can acquire many skills such as social communication, teamwork, and cooperation that will definitely help them in their future life. Secondly, they can learn to be more obedient to some particular rules and regulations, such as special codes of practices that is highly essential in some companies and workplaces. For instance, wearing helmet and work in uniform at power plants and factories are mandatory. Therefore young people learn to follow this safety rules for their own convenience. Finally, having work experience before the beginning of courses can provide a better insight for students at universities. Therefore they can learn their lessons more practically and efficiently.

In conclusion, in my opinion there are some benefits and drawbacks in the subject of encouraging young people to participate in some activities between their high school and starting university studies. However, I strongly believe that the advantages of these extracurricular activities outweigh its disadvantages.

(Quite good, but I suggest you to make more fluents some senteces, maybe using many and differents links and writing shorter sentences)

Can you correct my essay?

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year after graduating from between finishing high school before and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
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Establishing an interconnection between work and university studies have always been a controversial issue in recent years. Some places in the world persuade youths to take part in one-year-activities, like working and traveling experiences, immediately after finishing graduating high school and before going to university. The advantages and disadvantages of this will be discussed here.

Some people believe that encouraging young individuals to work right exactly after they have finished graduating from their high school will have some negative points. Firstly, young people at this age need more time to spend with their peers in order to have fun and enjoy their life. Secondly, if youth are encouraged to face harsh conditions of working environments, it may suppress their motivation for future careers. As a consequence, lack of inspiration will be affected their future lives life in universities.

However, itIt is commonly believed that being a part of some extracurricular activities, such as work and travel, can have many positive points for young students in some aspects. Firstly, they can acquire many skills such as social communication, teamwork, and cooperation that will definitely assist help them in their future life. Secondly, they can learn to be more obedient to some particular rules and regulations, such as special codes of practices that is highly essential in some companies and workplaces. For instance, wearing helmet and work uniform at power plants and factories are mandatory. Therefore, young people learn to follow such this safety rules for their own convenience. Finally, having work experience before the beginning of courses can provide a better insight for students at universities. Therefore they can learn their lessons more practically and efficiently.

In conclusion, in my opinion there are some benefits and drawbacks in the subject of encouraging young people to participate in some activities after graduating from between their high school and before beginning starting university studies. I strongly believe that the advantages of these extracurricular activities outweighs its disadvantages.

Good Job, try and be careful when using transition words like " however ", make sure you understand when to use them