Practice 3

Culture businesses representative such as music, drama, and movies are one of the important future businesses of this country. --> The entertainment industry, for example the production of music, dramas, and movies, is an important sector for this country's future. 

 They have not made profits yet but it is not hard to find people who enthusiasm to this country's culture contents. --> This industry is not yet profitable but it is not hard to find people who are enthusiastic about its potential. 

Once they start makinng profits, it is expected to be steadily increase. --> Once it becomes profitable, however, it is expected to keep growing. 

The power of culture is stronger than people can imagine. --> Good. 

This is connected to the another businesses such as traveling, foods, clothes, and many others.
--> The entertainment industry is closely connected to other areas of the economy like tourism, fashion, and hospitality. 

It is amazing this small country, which is used to one of the poorest country in the world, developed very successfully and became other developing countries' role model. --> It is amazing that this small country, which used to be one of the poorest in the world, developed so successfully and become a role model for other countries. 

Due to the rapid success in a short period of time, they also have many problems in their society - especially mental issues like suicide, depression, vanities, etc. --> However, this rapid success has had many negative side effects. Issues such as suicide, depression, and mindless consumerism are now big problems in Korean society. 

It's time to pay attention distribution rather than growth toward their citizen. Improvement of consciousness of overall citizens will make the country stronger. --> (These last two sentences are hard to understand. I will try to rewrite with what I think you mean) -- > It is time for the government to pay more attention to citizens. Improving the overall quality of life for all citizens will make the country stronger. 

Hi, very good writing! Your English is great. I re-wrote your paragraph to show you how I would go about tackling your topic. I also highlighted a few errors that you might want to take another look at.  Although your vocab and grammar is pretty spot on, the way you compose your sentences has a very obvious "ESL student" vibe to it. Nothing that can't be fixed with a bit of practice, keep up the good work!