很快快唱歌
当我起床了
的时候
我想要吃早餐
和牛肉
之后我走路，找新地方
不能找
很不好
所以我回宿舍玩电脑
现在是早上九点的
我要上巴士去上班
小心你的头
小心你的手
***
我做这首歌因为我忘记怎么学习语法。我要读网站练习。
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Corrections · 10
0
当我起床
的时候
我要吃面包
和牛肉
之后我绕遍了胡同
不好找
很不好
坐上巴士回去玩电脑
现在是早上九点钟
巴士班车向前冲
小心你的头
小心你的手
Your composition is very interesting, I just correct some tiny places, how do you like this one?
0
Great! I can understand your meaning. However, usage of some phrases should to noticed. “ 起床了”means you have got up, and “当...的时候”means the action is happening, so you make a mistake in tense. “牛肉”(beef) can be one of “早餐”(breakfast), they usually don't appear at the same time. what's do you want to say when you use “不能找”, do you want to say either something doesn't admit you to seek your destination, or after you make efforts, but you can't find it. "不能找"'s meaning is the latter. In addition, when did you get up? why the time is only nine after you look for new place and play computer games?
0
很快快唱歌---快乐歌唱（means sing happily）
当我起床了
的时候
——generally speaking,we say：起床的时候（means when I got up）或者起床了（means when I have got up）,but not mixture.
我想要吃早餐
和牛肉 ——breakfast is a total concept,including meat,beef,or milk...
之后我走路，找新地方
——之后我步行去一个新地方 Then I walked to a new place.
不能找
很不好
——地方很不好找，It's difficult to find the new place.
我很难过 and I feel sorry
所以我回宿舍玩电脑 (Good!)
现在是早上九点的
It is no need for "的"，
我要上巴士去上班
maybe you can change"上" to “乘”
小心你的头 （Good！）
小心你的手 （Good！）
***
我做这首歌因为我忘记怎么学习语法。我要读网站练习。
0
快乐地唱歌
当我起床了的时候
很快乐
要吃早餐
想吃牛肉
走在路上寻找新地方
很难找
很难过
所以我回宿舍玩电脑
现在时间是早上九点
我要踏上巴士去上班
小心你的头
小心你的手
***
我做这首歌因为我忘记怎么学习语法。我要读网站练习。
0
haha, it’s very interesting to write your own song for learning Chinese!~ It’s as similar as writing a poem. I think it’s really a good way to memorize, but the only thing you should do is memorizing the correct phrases or sentences. Because some of the lyrics in Chinese songs are in wrong orders, you’d better pay attention to this. Pls refer my correction below. Thanks!
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