toefl independent essay, day 7
Could you please correct my essay?
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People communicate with each other less than in the past because of the popularity of television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Essay
The spread of digital technologies allowed people to fulfil their lives with entertainment and happiness. Personally, I strongly believe that during the last decade people became more sociable because of the popularity of television. I will explore the reasons why I feel this way in the following essay.
First of all, due to the high speed of delivering information, people gained easy and quick access to news and, as a result, discovered new topics for in-person conversations. Nowadays, if you do not know how to start dialogue, you can mention one of the latest events and discuss it with your partner. For instance, earlier, when the only possibility to know news was a sending messages with a dove, people had to wait weeks before they received new information to talk about. That is why previous generations tended to be withdraw and unsociable. However, nowadays, you can just watch morning news and you will be aware of what happens in the whole world. Even if you have not your own opinion on any topic, you can familiarize with opinions of famous critics or politicians and construct a new one from their ideas. This example demonstrates how television help us to keep up with new events all around the world.
Secondly, the various programs and series allow us to chose the topic of interests and gain knowledge in the field of our hobbies. My own experience is a compelling example of it. When I was a kid, I had been watching BBC series about dinosaurs all day long and imagined being an archaeologist if the future. Having shared this hobby with my friends, I spent a lot of time playing with them and, as a result, have grown in a talkative and easy-going person. However, not only children are interested in such kind of progras. My grandparents usually spend evenings watching historical programs about Middle Ages and then discuss them in a historical community. This example illustrates how television made a new field of interests for children and grown up.
In conclusion, I believe that television helped the mankind to be more sociable. The reason for this is new topics of interests for conversations and quick access to news.
Search from various English teachers...
Corrections · 2
1
Hi Claire, I'm a wee pressed for time so consider this thorough but not absolute ;)
People communicate with each other less than in the past because of the popularity of television.
The spread of digital technologies allowed (has allowed - this is not finished time; there is a connection to the present) people to live more fulfilling their lives (not needed: with entertainment and happiness). Personally, I strongly believe that, perhaps ironically (suggestion as the result is not what you would expect), that people have become more sociable during the last decade because of (the popularity of) television. I will explore the reasons why I feel this way in the following essay (this is unnecessary; if you say anything you should allude to what your reasons might be)
First of all, due to the high speed of delivering information (informational delivery), people have gained easy and quick access to news and, as a result, have discovered new topics for in-person (face to face) conversations. Nowadays, if you do not know how to start a dialogue, you can mention (bring up) one of the latest events and discuss it with your partner. For instance, earlier, when the only possibility to know news was by a sending messages with a dove (at least in America, people say 'carrier pigeon'), people had to wait weeks before they received new information to talk about. That is why previous generations tended to be withdrawn and unsociable. However, nowadays, you can just watch the morning news and you will be (made) aware of what happens in the whole world. Even if you don't have not your own opinion on any topic, you can familiarize yourself with opinions of famous critics or politicians and construct a new one from their ideas. This example demonstrates how television helps us to keep up with new events all around the world.
Secondly, the various programs and series allow us to chose the topics and gain knowledge of personal interest. in the field of our hobbies. My own experience is a compelling example of this. When I was a kid (child is better in formal writing),I had been while watching a BBC series about dinosaurs all day long, I imagined being an archaeologist in the future. Having shared this hobby with my friends, I spent a lot of time playing with them and, as a result, have grown in a talkative and easy-going person. (I understand what you are saying but it's really confusing. Suggestion: Sharing this and other experiences with my friends not only compelled me to be more confident and sociable but also more easy-going. However (sugg: Interestingly), it's not only children who are interested in such kind of programs. My grandparents usually spend their evenings watching historical programs about the Middle Ages and then discuss them in (with) a historical community. This example further illustrates how television has helped make a new field of interests (?) for both children and grown ups.
In conclusion, I believe that television has helped the mankind to be more sociable. The reasons for this are the is breadth of new topical of interests for conversations and quick access to news.
Want to progress faster?
Join this learning community and try out free exercises!
Don’t miss out on the opportunity to learn a language from the comfort of your own home. Browse our selection of experienced language tutors and enroll in your first lesson now!
Start Learning Today
